


The Pain of Knowing

by TheNerdsPapers



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Arguments, F/M, Fluff, Graphic Violence, Language, Major character death - Freeform, Marvel - Freeform, Memory Loss, Nightmares, Swearing, Xmen, charles is kind of clueless as always, if blood isn't your thing then this may not be your thing, kind of, marvel imagine, marvel x reader - Freeform, minor suggestive content, peter is a devoted lover, peter maximoff - Freeform, peter maximoff imagine, peter maximoff x reader - Freeform, xmen imagine, xmen x reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-16 02:51:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16945584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNerdsPapers/pseuds/TheNerdsPapers
Summary: You're on a mission with Peter when your jet goes down. Accidents ensue and love is hard.





	1. Chapter 1

“How much further do you think?”

“I don’t know, but it looks like there might be something up ahead!”

I stumbled forward, fighting against the biting wind. My entire body shook from cold. Everything hurt. My ears, my nose, my toes, were beyond numb. The snow had long soaked through my clothes, accelerating hypothermia. I gritted my teeth. I had to keep moving, keep making progress, keep going. If I stopped… it would be the end.

The trees offered little shelter from the wind, but the black mass ahead appeared promising. Peter approached it first, examining the perimeter and peering in the windows. “It doesn’t look like anyone’s been here in ages.”

“I wouldn’t care if someone was in there now.” I walked over to the door and pushed it. The rotten wood gave way immediately. “Well, it’s better than nothing.”

I stepped into the dark room. It was covered in dust and cobwebs. Mouse nests had been built in the corners. It was barren of any furniture, but a stone fireplace across the room was free for use. At least a stack of dry firewood had already been collected by some previous individual. Peter followed me in, a look of disgust curling his lip.

Why we were trudging through a blizzard in the middle of nowhere you may ask? It’s a funny story, actually, and entirely Peter’s fault as usual. Okay, not funny, but definitely his fault.

~

My ears began to hurt from the sirens blaring. I whipped the jet to the side in an effort to shake off our pursuers.

“Peter what did you say to him?!” I shouted.

He shook his head, frantically running between monitors and flicking switches. “I didn’t say anything!”

“Bullshit you didn’t say anything! You always say something!”

“Maybe I let on a little too much of what we’re looking for, but it’s not going to help us now!”

“You-” A crash cut me off as we were jostled sideways. “Peter you better be strapped the fuck down!” I screeched.

The jet shook, the engine struggling to keep our altitude. My vision was almost blurred with adrenaline, the only thing of any real notice being the red flashing lights. Our crash landing was inevitable, but I could still lessen the impact. The jet collided with the trees, sending it spinning. Branches snapped, littering the windshield. The silence after we came to a stop was deafening.

My heart pounded as I slowly let go of my iron grip on the wheel. I pressed my fingertips to a throbbing lump on my head and they came away crimson. I winced at the sting.

“Are you okay?” I groaned. There was no response. I unbuckled myself and turned around.

He was slumped sideways in a chair, unconscious. Already a ring of purple was forming around his eye and a large gash had been cut in his arm. I shakely stood, limping over as quickly as I could. I placed my fingers to his wrist and breathed a sigh of relief. He had a pulse. All I could do now was wait for him to come to.

I returned to my seat and tried to contact someone. “Hello? Does anyone copy?”

All that came through was static before a voice finally crackled. “Y/n? Is that you? What happened? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah we’re alive. The jet went down over a forest somewhere. Pete’s out cold right now but he’ll pull through.”

“Do you know where you went down?” Another voiced asked. “We don’t see you anywhere.”

“The tracker must have been lost when we got hit. I’m not sure exactly where we are, but I think somewhere in the mountains. I think I saw a river when we were going down. It looks like snow’s coming too.”

“Copy that. We’ll send help as soon as we can. In the meantime, get somewhere warm if you can. As much as I hate to say it, the jet might not be the safest place to stay. Aside from it possibly exploding, if someone saw you go down, they might send out a search party.”

“Understood.” The receiver went back to static. I got back to my feet and made my way back to the back of the jet. A chill had begun to seep into the vessel from the gaping hole blown into the side. Luckily, the blast had missed storage and I was able to salvage two emergency packs and a first aid kit.

I sat down beside Peter and cut away the fabric that had torn around his cut. I could bandage him up at least while he was unconscious. Unscrewing the cap on a bottle of saline solution, I slowly poured it over the wound. Peter jolted forward suddenly, grabbing my wrist with a hiss.

“Peter!” I gasped, dropping the bottle and firmly grabbing his shoulders. He struggled for a second before relaxing back into his seat. His eyes were slightly clouded as he rested his head on the wall.

“What happened?” He slurred.

“We crashed. You cut your arm in the accident. Can I finish treating it?”

He nodded. “My head hurts.”

“Given your black eye and the cut on your forehead, that would make sense.”

“I’m tired.”

“I understand, but I need you to stay awake, okay? When I finish bandaging you up, we have to go.” I began wrapping his arm in a long bandage. He needed stitches, but right now we don’t have the time or supplies.

“Where are we going?”

“I don’t know yet, Peter, but it’s not safe here so we have to go somewhere else.” He thankfully fell silent at that, allowing me to finish bandaging his arm. “That should be good for now, I’m no doctor though. Can you stand?”

I helped support him into a standing position as he groaned, swaying on the spot. I leaned over to grab our packs, handing him one and slinging the other over my shoulder. Sharing each other’s weight, we headed out of the jet and into the biting air.

~

“This place is disgusting.” Peter grumbled.

“Yeah, but it beats being out there.” I sat down in front of the fireplace and began to build us a fire. It would keep us warm and the smoke would help to signal the X-Men as to our location. It could also signal others, but I ignored that and just hoped the others would find us soon.

Peter pouted, taking a seat beside me. “I’m cold."

“That’s why I’m building a fire, you big baby.” I sighed exasperatedly. “Stop complaining unless you have any better ideas. It would also help you to get out of those wet clothes.”

Peter chuckled. “Y/n, if you wanted to get me naked-”

“Shut up, Peter. There are much more important things right now.” I tossed some logs in the fireplace roughly. Why does he always have to make things like this?

“I’m just saying,” He leaned against the wall, a smirk on his face as he cradled his arm. “Now would be the perfect time to jump my bones. No one’s around to interrupt us….” He trailed off.

“Peter?” I questioned innocently.

“Yes?”

“Shut the hell up.”

He barked with laughter as I finally got the fire from a smolder to a roar. Its light and warmth filled the room, soothing my aching bones. As dirty as the room was, the fire made it kind of cozy. The snow blurred with window panes as they rattled from the wind. For a moment we sat in silence, gazing at the crackling twigs.

“How’s your arm?” I asked quietly.

“Sore, but the bandage is holding up well enough.” He shrugged with a slight wince.

I nodded. “That’s good.”

We fell into silence again, before it was broken by Peter’s voice. “Do you know what’s going to happen to us?” He asked cautiously.

My brow scrunched in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Like… your mutation…. Do you know how long it’ll take them to find us, if they do at all?”

“You know it doesn’t work like that.” I said, hugging my knees to my chest.

“You say that, but have you tried? There’s no time it would be more useful than now.”

“I-I can’t Peter.”

“Y/n, please!”

I shook my head, but I knew he was right. If I could prevent us getting found by someone else, or never getting found at all, I had to try. I closed my eyes, trying to calm my mind, allow myself to get swept away. Tendrils of images began to float into my mind before being stopped by a searing pain.

“Y/n!” Peter lunged over to me as I screamed. His hands grasped my upper arms as he shook me. The pain wouldn’t go away. It was consuming, sending fire through my veins. He pressed me to his chest, holding me close until it began to slide away. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled over and over again in my ear.

My hands fisted in his chest. What happened? Never had anything like that occured. Was it from my concussion? Had someone done something to me? Tears started to leak from my eyes, burning a path down my cheeks. Was I even more broken than I thought?

Peter eased us back against the wall. He pulled a blanket from one of the bags and draped it over us. “Are you okay?” He murmured.

“I-I think so.” I whispered.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t think-” His voice broke.

“It’s okay. You didn’t know. Neither did I.”

He hugged me tighter. “Do you know what happened?”

“I have no idea.” I shook my head. “I don’t really want to think about it.”

Time seemed to drag on and fly by all at once. The memory of what had occured hung between us, hiding in the shadows cast by the fire. The wind continued to howl, a chill creeping in through the cracks of the shack. I shivered and clung tighter to Peter’s warmth, squeezing my eyes shut against my fear. The fear of what was wrong with me, the fear of who might find us damaged and vulnerable, the fear of what would happen if we were never found. If I had just flown a little better, maybe we wouldn’t have crashed here. Peter wouldn’t have gotten hurt. It was my fault. It would be my fault if we died. My thoughts drifted in and out until I was soundlessly, and unknowingly, dragged into sleep.

I woke up stiff but warm as the fire still smoldered and smoked. Peter’s arm had remained wrapped around me, his head leaning against mine. I took in the scene. It wasn’t every day you got to see the silver speedster completely and utterly relaxed. There was no fidgeting, no shifting glances, no wisecracks to hide his insecurity. It was just Peter in his most pure state. His lips were parted slightly as his hair fell softly across his face.

“Hey.” I whispered, gently nudging him.

“Hm?” His head shot up as he blinked at the bright light coming in the windows. “Sorry.” He withdrew his arm from me and rubbed his eyes. I bit back a giggle at his sleepy, groggy voice.

“Sleep well?”

“Mhm…” He hummed. “No sign of the others?”

“Not yet, but given the weather last night, I’m not that surprised. It’ll be easier in the daylight.”

Peter nodded before pushing himself to his feet. “I’m going to take a look outside.”

“Okay, be careful.” I responded. I turned to check our supplies.

“Uh, y/n? You might want to get that fire started again.” His voice called across the room

“What do you mean?” I lifted my head to see Peter with his hand on the doorknob, the door partially open as snow fell in.

“I think we’re snowed in.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter’s impulsiveness will be the death of him, and possibly you.

“I think we’re snowed in.” Peter stood in the doorway, simply staring at the pile of snow that was now beginning to melt. It started as a snort and soon turned into the both of us bowled over laughing. 

“We shouldn’t be laughing about this!” I cried, wiping away tears. “This is serious.”

“Given there’s a good two feet of snow out there, I think it’s safe to say we won’t be found any time soon.” He scraped the snow out with his foot before shutting the door. “What’s for breakfast?”

“There should be a few days rations in the bags, but we might even have to further ration those….” I trailed off as I pulled the shrink wrapped packages out. “Take your pick, they’re all nasty.”

“At this point, I’m willing to eat the damn bugs off the floor.” He replied, selecting a package.

“Honestly, they’d probably taste better.” I unwrapped my own and took a bite. My face scrunched up in confusion. It didn’t really taste like anything, but was uncomfortably crunchy. “How’s yours?”

He chewed slowly and deliberately. “Like sand.” He replied with a grimace. “I think I’ll be good without for awhile.” 

I nodded in agreement as we tucked the food away. Already, Peter began to rock back and forth. “What’s your issue?”

“What do we do now?” 

“We wait like we were told to.” 

“But until then? What do we do?” 

“If you’re so bored, why don’t you get the fire started and I’ll see if we have anything here to keep us entertained.” I began to dig through our bags. “You know what Charles says about idle minds.”

“Yeah, yeah they’re a danger to ourselves in an emergency.” He grumbled to himself as he shuffled over to the fireplace.

Soon enough the shack was becoming comfortably warm. We had dug our blankets out to make the ground a bit more comfortable to sit on. Cards were spread out between us. 

“I saw that.” I commented. 

“What? I didn’t do anything.” He drew another card from the stack.

“You’re a rotten liar. I saw you slip that card up your sleeve.” I sat up from my sprawled position. 

He focused intently on his hand. “You might want to get your eyes checked ‘cause you’re seeing things.” 

“I am seeing things and I’m seeing that you’re a dirty cheat!” I scoffed. “If that’s how you’re going to play-” 

“Y/n if you believe that strongly that I have something to hide, you can go ahead and search me.” He set his cards down before raising his hands up in surrender.

I squinted. His expression was plain with no signs of his usual facetious manner. Was he serious or was this another one of his jokes. “In your dreams, Maximoff. It’s your turn by the way.”

“Suit yourself, can’t say I never gave you the chance.”

I lost count of the number of card games we play. Eventually, the ways of keeping Peter entertained were dwindling. He began to fidget in his seat. The fire was still going with our assistance, and the sun shone in the window. It was warm and, in our boredom, drowsing. There was still no sign of our rescuers either.

“Are you sure, there’s nothing else in there?” He whined. 

“No, Peter, all we have is the cards unless you want to play with the bag like a cat.” I was beginning to get frustrated with his attitude. It’s not like we had any other choice than to be here. It could be a lot worse if we hadn’t found this shelter, rotten and decayed as it was.

He slumped, resting his chin on his knees and continuing to rock back and forth. “I’m bored.”

“Well what do you want me to do about it?” I snapped. “Just suck it up and deal with it already! I’m sorry I got us stranded here but if you had just kept your mouth shut-”

“Oh, so it’s my damn fault that we’re stuck here now?” He retorted, standing so he bore over me.

I leapt to my feet, determined not to give into his intimidation. “Yeah, actually, it kind of is your fault! If you hadn’t said so much we wouldn’t have been followed!”

“If you had just been a better pilot, we wouldn’t have gotten shot down!” He was practically shouting now. 

My hands fisted at my sides, quivering in rage. “If I had been a better pilot?! Yeah, because it was just my shitty flying skills and not whatever the hell you thought you were doing to help.”

Peter snatched up a bag and slung it over his shoulder. “Fine, you don’t want my help, I’ll just leave.”

“Don’t be stupid-”

“No, you don’t want my help, I’m gone.” Without another word, he strode out the door, slamming it behind him. 

I screamed in frustration. Why is he always so impulsive? You’d think he’d hold himself together for once in an emergency. Now he was off traipsing through the forest. He’d probably hurt himself or get lost or who knows what else? I remembered I hadn’t checked his bandage. What if it came loose and the wound started bleeding again? What if he bled out in the forest and we couldn’t find him? I began to panic a little. He’d be back. He’d have to come back. Even with his speed he couldn’t get very far in deep snow. No, he’d get cold and wet and come back and you’d both apologize and everything would be fine, or would it? Maybe I was a little harsh on him, but we both said things we shouldn’t have. 

The room was just above a comfortable level of warmth now. Between the events of yesterday, the heat, my stress, and various injuries, my eyes became heavy. I needed to rest. I needed the strength to keep going and wait for our rescue, to signal them if need be. However, I also needed to stay awake in case Peter came back. What if someone came upon the shack when I was sleeping. In the end, my exhaustion won out and I drifted off, curled up on the floor

~

Peter trudged through the snow, grumbling under his breath. The air was still, empty of birdsong or any sounds other than the faint whistle of the wind and crunch of snow beneath his feet.

“My damn fault… yeah because I was supposed to know they would follow us.” His arms were crossed in an effort to keep warm, his breath coming out in warm puffs. “What else was I supposed to do anyway? Levitate the plane with my mind? Pff.”

His arm had begun to sting not long ago and a slight red stain bled through. There had been no other signs of life anywhere. He hadn’t even seen any animal tracks. 

“Where are the others anyway? It shouldn’t be this hard to at least find-” His mumbling broke off with the snap of a branch. He froze. It could have just been a branch breaking from ice, but he wasn’t taking any chances. He turned in place, scanning the scene for movement. “It’d be easier for the both of us if you just showed yourself now.” He called out.

“Aw, but where’s the fun in that?” A figure dropped from a tree above. “I was told you were fun.”

“What do you want?”

“It’s not really about what I want, but more about what my boss wants. That’s you, by the way, and the girl. It’s up to you whether you want to make things difficult.” The man  stepped forward. 

“Well you can tell your boss to shove it, because I’m not going anywhere.” Peter’s fists clenched in preparation for a fight.

The man tsked, shaking his head as a few more men dropped down, surrounding the pair. “I was worried you were going to say that.” With a wave of his hand, the men surged toward Peter.

His fist collided with the first unlucky grunt. He kicked and punched his way around the band. As much as he would have liked to use his powers, it wouldn’t have helped much in knee-deep snow. Just as his hopes rose that he had almost finished them off, a swift kick to the back of his knees sent him tumbling to the ground. A sharp tug on the bag of his head had him looking up into the face of their leader. He bent over, looking Peter dead in the eye.

“Are you going to tell us where the girl is? Or are we going to give her the same special treatment?”

“You’ll never find her.” He spat blood at the man’s foot, a smirk on his face revealing teeth stained pink. His chest heaved in anger and fear. If they hurt her….

“Oh, we’ll see about that.” The man said, his eyes trailing in the direction Peter had come.

~

I woke bleary eyed, stiff from my makeshift bed. Peter still hadn’t returned and the fire was beginning to die down. By the light coming in the window, it seemed the sun was going down. The chances of him making it through the night without any decent shelter were slim. If it snowed again, who knew if he’d even be able to find his way back. I was beginning to consider going after him when a loud knock on the door had me leaping to my feet. I didn’t stop to think it would be anyone else. I swung the door open to come face to face with a strange  man, a jagged scar visible on his chin running up his face and under his hood. 

“I do believe we have something belonging to you.” He sneered. He stepped aside to reveal the crumpled figure of Peter on his knees. His goggles had been shattered, a fresh bruise bloomed on one side of his face as blood dripped down from a cut on his forehead. My eyes immediately checked the bandage on his arm that had soaked through with more blood. The man cut off my view again, blocking my path out. “Now you can either come quietly with us, or we can do the same to you.”

“Y/n, no….” Peter’s moan was swiftly cut off with a smack.

“Know that if you refuse, it will not only mean pain for you.”

I had no choice. I couldn’t run and leave Peter defenseless. If he somehow managed to survive these people, he’d bleed out from his injuries. If I ran there was no telling what would happen to me or if I’d even find help. It was pointless. I nodded my head stiffly in agreement. I’d think of a plan on the way. “Lead the way.”

“That’s a good girl.” The man stepped aside and gestured for me to walk forward. I allowed myself to be shackled as Peter was dragged to his feet. The group surrounded us, forcing us to walk on. My heart ached as I watched him struggle to move forward. If I wasn’t shackled and had been allowed to help, I’d have supported him but we didn’t dare to even share a glance. 

Our journey seemed endless. We wove through the trees until I lost track of our direction. Whether this was truly the way to their base or intended to confuse us, I didn’t know. Eventually we slowed down and Peter sighed in relief as he shifted his weight heavily to one side. In my peripheral I watched as one man split off from the group. Moments later, the trees parted into a clearing to reveal a concrete base carved into the side of a cliff. The doors swung open as we were lead into a large room with multiple corridors branching off.

The group split in two, surrounding both me and Peter. I jolted as realization overcame me. They were splitting us into different parts of the compound. My head snapped in the direction of the gang’s supposed leader. “We had a deal!” I snarled. My arms were harshly grabbed before I could lunge at him. “You said you wouldn’t hurt us!”

The man nodded. “I did, and I remain true to my word. My men will not hurt either of you, but I do not speak for my boss. I’m simply the retriever.” He waved his hand and I was dragged backward. My vision was obscured from Peter as I struggled against the men surrounding me.

“Stop! Y/n!” I heard him shout. 

“Peter!” I screamed. I felt my elbow connect with someone’s face. The next thing I knew, a force hit the back of my head and I blacked out. 

Snippets of images flashed in my mind. A shock of silver, the sound of metal being crushed, the blinding white of horrible pain.

I shot up straight, a cold sweat coating my skin as I gasped for breath. My head ached with a dull throb. As my vision cleared, my surroundings came into focus. I sat on a cot in an otherwise empty room. I stood, examining the walls. They were nothing but smooth concrete, hardly anything high-tech. A single metal door lied across the room with a small grate to see out of. I rushed over, pressing myself as hard as I could against it, desperately trying to see as far as I could each way. The wall across from my cell was bare concrete as well, the hall dimly lit with a few scattered doors similar to mine. 

“Peter?” I called out softly, faintly hoping he would respond. I was met with silence. It didn’t seem like there was anyone else being held near me, nor was there a guard outside my door. If they believed me to be dangerous, why was I not monitored? A searing pain shot through my head along with the echo of an agonizing scream. At first I thought it was me, but some instinct told me otherwise. As soon as it came it was gone. 

I layed down back on the cot. I had to contact the X-Men somehow to let them know where we were. There had to be some interference in the magnetic field wherever this was considering you’d heard nothing from Charles. More importantly, you had to find Peter. I had to break the both of us out of this place even if it meant our death. Better we died of hypothermia than at the hands of these lunatics. 

Footsteps echoed down the corridor, leading to my cell. I hurriedly stretched out on your back and pretended to sleep. The lock clicked before the door opened with a screech. A hand stroked my hair, causing bile to rise in my throat.

“It’s such a shame.” A new voice murmured. “You are so beautiful.” The hand moved down, wrapping around my arm and jerking me to my feet. 

“What do you want with us?” I snarled at the man who was clearly just a guard of some kind. The man didn’t respond but threw me out of the cell. His gun trained at the back of my head, forcing me to walk forward. The ache in my head grew steadily as images tried to force their way to consciousness. My vision blurred slightly as the images threatened to drag me away. I pushed them aside. I had to stay awake, it could be the difference in the success or failure of our escape.

I was lead through the corridors. The walls all looked the same, smooth concrete with the occasional steel door. The harsh fluorescent lights lined the ceiling. The path slowly seemed to slope upward. Was there an exit at the top and not just at the base? I made sure to note the possibility. Finally we came to an indistinct door guarded by two more guards. They opened the door, forcing me in and strapping me to the lone chair. Was this some sort of interrogation room? The faint blood stains on the floor confirmed my question. One guard resumed his position outside the door while the other stood at attention inside. I noted the pistol strapped to his side as well as the rifle he held at his side. It was likely every guard here was similarly armed.

“Are you going to tell me why I’m here?” I asked.

The guard remained expressionless, not making eye contact. I shrugged. “Well it was worth a shot.”

A few minutes later, the lock clicked on the door and a man dressed in a suit stepped inside. 

“So, are we going to talk or do I need to give you a little incentive?” He asked.

“I don’t even know why I’m here.” I answered. “Where’s Peter? What do you want with us?” 

The man sighed, pulling a strange contraption from his pocket before strapping it to his hand. “I was hoping you’d be more compliant.” He placed a hand on my forearm. I bit back a scream as the muscles tensed painfully. He removed his hand and I gasped in relief. “Now, stop playing and tell me where it is.” 

I shook my head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The weapon! Where is the weapon?!” He shouted.

My eyes widened in understanding. He was after the same thing Peter and I were after. This man must be tied to the same people who shot us down. It all made sense. “I’m not telling you anything.” The current spread through my arm again. It was just as painful but somehow more bearable now that I had a reason to stay silent. Charles was adamant that we had to get this weapon before someone else. It had the power to destroy entire cities. He said it was better I knew only that much. At the time it was infuriating, but I was thankful for his discretion now. 

The man tried numerous times to electrocute me but I didn’t say a word. My body shook with exhaustion. Random muscles in my arms and legs twitched. He discarded the contraption, placing it back in his pocket and turning to the guard.

“I’m done here. We’ll continue this later. Don’t move her.” The guard nodded as the man stepped out the door.

I breathed heavily, trying to get my twitching muscles under control. I hoped Peter wasn’t getting the same treatment in his condition, even though I knew the chances were that he was. He could be bleeding out at this very moment for all I knew. I strained against the tape holding my wrists to the arms of the chair. I glanced at the guard who still wasn’t looking at me. Slowly, I began trying to twist my wrists. If I managed to loosen the tape just enough that I could slip my hands, and moved quickly enough, I could disarm the guard, take his guns, and find Peter. However, I didn’t even know where Peter was. It could take hours to search the entire compound. I stopped my struggles. There was only one way that I’d be able to possibly find him. It wouldn’t be pleasant, but I had no other choice.

I let my body relax completely, settling into my seat as Charles had taught me. His advice rang in my ears. 

“Clear your mind. You must not let your emotion take hold. Focus every part of your mind.” 

Snippets of images began to surface. A scraping of metal, the howling wind as we plunged into the trees, the crunch and bite of snow, the throbbing pain in my head. The dull ache grew sharper. My fists clenched and my toes curled against it as it began to burn down through my limbs. My heart rate rose. White lights flashed behind my eyelids as the pain threatened to take over and pull me under. I felt myself slipping into darkness but struggled against it, fighting the pain to sift through the shifting images. Finally, I managed to pull something solid. The vision became clearer until like shattering glass I broke the barrier between imagination and reality. The pain melted away leaving me in the cool state as if underwater. 

Peter sat in a room identical to mine, his wrists and ankles securely strapped to his chair. His head hung down, small pools of blood around his chair. A new gash had been inflicted into his leg. The door opened and the same man I had just seen walked in. He strapped his taser to his hand. 

“Well, kid, ready to do this again?” 

Peter pulled his head up slowly, allowing it to loll to one side slightly. His hair parted to reveal his left eye swollen shut. He gave a weak chuckle. “Give it all you got, old man. I’m not saying a word.” 

The man rested his hand on his shoulder, causing him to convulse violently. “I won’t have a problem killing you. I’ll give you one last chance to talk. Where’s the weapon?” 

Peter spat at the man’s feet and gave him a bloodstained grin. “You can go fuck yourself.”

The vision morphed again into darkness, sending me surging to the surface of my consciousness. I opened my eyes to find the room undisturbed. The guard still stood motionlessly near the door. My heart pounded at the newfound knowledge. Peter was alive, but it didn’t look like he had long. I doubted their interrogation rooms were that far apart, which meant he had to be somewhere nearby. 

With a renewed sense of vigor and urgency, I eased my hands from their restraints. I lunged at the guard, causing him to stumble against the wall. The impact pressed his rifle into his chest, allowing me to swing it into the side of his face. His grip slipped and I ripped it from him, bashing the butt into his head to knock him out. He crumbled to the ground, slumped against the wall. I rifled through his pockets, snagging his pistol and I.D. card.

“Well, Mr. Jackman, thank you for your assistance.” I slipped out the door, smashing the pistol across the back of the other guard’s head. The longer I could refrain from using the gun, the longer I’d have to find Peter. 

There were no signs as to which direction he was in. I turned right and hoped for the best. The corridor continued upward this way. If luck favored me, he would be closer to the surface, allowing an easier escape. I crept slowly from door to door, peeking in the window of each. It was unlikely that he would be left unguarded, but I wasn’t taking any chances. My panic rose after I lost count of the rooms I checked, all of which were completely empty. Why were there so many empty rooms? Where was everyone? 

My steps quickened until I was at that awkward point between a jog and a run. A corridor branched off ahead for the first time. I crouched behind it, peering around the corner. A pair of guards stood in front of a door about a hundred feet down. The odds were in favor of that room being Peter. What was I going to do? If I fired my gun, it would alert others to come, narrowing our chances of escape. However, if I didn’t use my gun, there was a greater chance of them just shooting me. 

I sighed and raised my pistol before running toward them. The guards raised their rifles, preparing to fire. I swiftly pulled the trigger, firing two shots into their legs.They dropped to the ground. I ripped the radio from their shoulders before they could call for help.

“You won’t miss these.” I said as I snatched the keys to the cell from one guard’s belt. 

“They’ll know you’ve escaped.” The other other goaded. “You won’t make it out of the compound.” 

My foot connected with his face, knocking him out. “That doesn’t mean I won’t try.” I unlocked the door and clambered inside, rushing to Peter’s side.

“Y/n? Is that you?” He whispered. His body hung limp, a cold sheen of sweat over his skin. He was clearly weak from blood loss as well as the torture he suffered.

Tears of relief threatened to spill from my eyes. “Yes, yes it’s me. I’m here. Why did you do this to yourself?” I began to free him from his restraints.

“What do you mean?”

“Why didn’t you say something to him? Anything? Why didn’t you lie to make him stop?”

He struggled to meet my eyes, his head lolling as a feeble grin stretched across his face. “Last time I said something you got mad at me.” 

I shook my head. Even at his weakest point, Peter was still Peter. With his last restraint free, he slumped over into my arms. “I’m getting us out of here. Can you walk?” 

He shook his head, forcing himself to his feet and leaning heavily on me. He stumbled forward before his injured leg buckled. “I’m sorry-” He gasped. “I-I can’t make it.”

“Like hell, you’re not.” I growled. I slung his uninjured arm over my shoulder and gripped his waist, hosting him upward. “I’m going to need you to hold on as tight as you can. I need my free hand for my gun.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Cut the crap, Maximoff. We don’t have time for this. We’re getting out of here together even if I have to drag you out.”

We staggered out the door, turning back in the direction I had come. If my assumptions were correct, if we kept heading up, we’d eventually find an exit. I gripped the pistol tightly, all of my senses tuned to any sign of movement. Only a few minutes passed until blaring sirens went off. The lights flickered from harsh white to red. There was no question if they noticed our disappearance. I pulled Peter forward, urging him to go faster. 

The sound of many people’s footsteps echoed toward us, causing my heart to leap in my throat. We were so close, we couldn’t be stopped now. The corridor opened up into a hall similar to the one we had entered from. “Just a bit farther, Pete, hang in there.” 

I half dragged, half pushed Peter toward the exit. As long as he could get away, I would be happy. I slid the I.D. card I had stolen on a scanner beside two large double doors. The light that poured in from the outside was blinding, the crisp, refreshing air filling my lungs. A bullet shot into the wall beside us and sent my adrenaline rushing. We got through the door just as it began to close. Our pursuers may have been cut off from us for the time being, but it wouldn’t hold for long. We stumbled through the forest, tripping over roots and uneven ground.

“Y/n, please. I need to stop for a moment.” Peter huffed. 

“We can’t. We have to keep going!” 

“I won’t make it. Go on without me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you got hurt on account of me.” 

“What did I tell you about talking like that? I’m not-” 

The ground suddenly dropped from beneath us, sending us tumbling down a hill. My grasp on Peter slacked until I lost him. Sticks tore at my hands and face, then I was airborne. I desperately reached for something to grab onto. The ice cold sensation of water enveloped me, the current pulling me down. My lungs burned with exhaustion. This was it, at least we died free. A flash of silver in front of me caught my attention as hands took hold of my arms. Before I could understand what was happening, water filled my lungs and I slipped under. I hoped Peter somehow made it. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow you're back at the mansion but what happened? Who saved you?

Voices and sounds blurred together as my consciousness floated in and out. There was no telling what was real and what was imagined. Sometimes my body felt like it was on fire and others submerged in ice. I was a slave to my body, nothing but a disembodied existence. I couldn’t feel anything other than sensations.

Time seemed to fly by and slug on all at once. I could have been here for minutes, it could have been years. It was as if I was floating in water in darkness. It was silent, calm, numb. I felt nothing. There were no worries. I had no memory.

I could be dead, but some unknown presence remained, letting me know I was still tethered to life. I wanted to wake up. I wanted to know where I was or what was happening, but I was so tired. It couldn’t hurt to sleep just a little longer.

~

“You said it would be a couple weeks! Can’t you wake her up or something?”

“I understand your pain, Peter, but it’s not just her body that was damaged. She pushed herself to far and damaged her mind. She needs to rest and heal herself.”

“But-"

“No. If she’s forced awake now, it could make things worse. It could tear her apart. Part of her would get stuck between waking and sleeping. You just need to be patient.”

“But for how long? It’s already been a month and nothing’s changed.”

“For as long as necessary.”

“What kind of life is that?! In that case she might as well just be dead!"

“You don’t mean that and you know it. This is the life she must have if she is to survive and that is final.”

~

I felt myself slowly sinking further down. I suddenly became aware of parts of myself. A tingling in my fingers and toes, some indescript feeling twisted in my stomach. Was I ready to go back? What was I going back to? Was it worth it? There was so much pain there, so much anger and sadness. We were hated by almost everyone. Why should I return to such an unforgiving world? People suffered day after day and I could do nothing. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t save anyone. 

The darkness seemed to bubble slightly at that thought. It wasn’t quite true. I’d helped many people. There was a girl with red hair who clung to me after nightmares. A boy with a tail who would come to me asking questions about culture. Beyond that, I had saved lives. I had stopped children from toddling off. I had helped the elderly cross the street. Even further, I had stopped people from being crushed by buildings. I had prevented entire cities from being wiped from the earth. I had done things, helped people. Every thing, big and small, had made some kind of impact. Whether it was life changing or simply bringing a smile to someone’s face, I had chased away some of the darkness in the world. 

The darkness had gone from a bubble to a boil. I wasn’t ready to give up yet. There was still hope. The world was full of evil and darkness, but it was also full of love and light. There were still people willing to fight for us. There were still people going the extra mile to help. People cared. People loved. People lived. There was still life. Even if we had nothing, we had life and the hope of another day. 

I had to rip everything apart. I had to get out of this bubble. I had people waiting for me. They needed me. I needed them, but there was something more, something I was forgetting. It was something important. I couldn’t remember, but I knew it was waiting for me outside. Warmth spread down my limbs, spreading feeling. At first all I could do was lie on my back and flex my fingers and toes, but I kept trying. Soon I could rotate my wrists and ankles. I could bend my arms and legs. 

I pushed myself into a sitting position. It was strange, sitting in the air, floating in darkness. I stumbled to my feet, walking silently over to the bubbling wall. Tentatively, I pressed a hand to it. It was cool and bubbled around my hand, enveloping it and sucking me in. The wall reacted violently, writhing and bubbling even more until it exploded. Air rushed into the burst pocket. I turned to see a hallway that ended in bright light. That had to be my escape. I ran towards it, squinting against the light and the fear of a potential impact. 

I woke with a gasp, pulling a mask off my face. 

A redheaded girl shrieked in shock beside me. 

I tried to say Jean’s name, but nothing came out but a hoarse rasp.

“Y/n! Y-you’re awake!” Tears began to stream down her face. “Hold still, I’m going to get help.” She rushed from the room.

The lights hurt my eyes as I lied back. The blankets around me were at least comfortable. How long had I been out? It couldn’t have been too long. I didn’t feel any of my injuries, though. 

A sudden crash above me jolted me from my thoughts as shouting and thundering footsteps echoed down the halls. Before I could process what had happened, people flooded in the room, surrounding me.

“Alright, everyone, I know you’re excited but give the girl some space to breathe.” They stood aside so Charles could wheel into the room. “Glad to see you’re awake, y/n”.

“Glad to be awake, finally.” I whispered. “How long was I gone?”

“You’ve been in a coma for three months.” Jean said.

Charles nodded. “What do you remember last?”

I glanced around at everyone looking at me expectantly. I tried to wrack my memory for something. “I-I don’t know. It’s only in snippets. I remember a concrete hole and running through the woods and falling in water, but nothing else really. I think I remember someone grabbing onto me before I blacked out….” The others shifted their eyes between each other. 

“Do you know who saved you?” Hank asked cautiously. 

“I’m not sure. Something tells me they were important. Why? What’s going on?” The beeping of the monitors became slightly faster as my panic rose.

“Nothing, y/n, everything’s fine. You need to rest. We’ll talk later.” Charles gestured for the others to follow him out. With soft goodbyes and pitiful looks, they complied.

“Jean, wait.” 

She stopped. “You heard the professor. You need to rest.” 

“Please, Jean, tell me what happened. You know something. All of you do. What are you hiding?”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I have to listen to the professor this time.” Before I could say anything else, she swept out of the room.

I slumped on my pillows. What was so worrying about my loss of memory? Of course, loss of memory in general can be worrying, but it’s also normal. So what made this so bad? I wanted desperately to remember. Maybe if I just tapped into my power a little, predict what they might tell me later. 

I stretched out, trying to get myself comfortable enough before closing my eyes. Now I just had to relax and let myself get swept away. I waited for the images to come, but nothing came. I squeezed my eyes tighter shut, maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. I tried to grasp at something, but still there was nothing. That never happened before. It was possible that I was just too worn out, so I let myself sink back into a dreamless sleep.

The sounds of shouting and stomping woke me again. This time, however, they were angry rather than excited. The door swung open with a bang. 

“You’re awake! Oh my god I can’t believe this, you’re finally awake!” A young, silver-haired man rushed over to me, taking my face in his hands and looking me over.

“I’m sorry, but do I know you?” I asked.

He froze, quickly removing his hands. His mouth opened and closed as if he had something he wanted to say but couldn’t. Charles wheeled in the room with a look of frustration and anger.

“I-I don’t understand. How-” He broke off, looking at Charles.

“You’ll have to forgive Peter, here. We’re sorry for interrupting you.” He gestured for Peter to leave the room. Peter slowly backed away out the door, his eyes wide in shock

“It’s alright.” I said. “I was actually wondering if I could talk to you Professor. Who was that guy, though? He seemed to know me.”

Charles waved a hand absentmindedly. “It’s not of importance, right now. What is it you wanted to talk to me about?”

“It’s about my mutation. It’s gone.”

“Gone?”

“Yeah, I can’t predict things. When I try, nothing happens like it used to.”

“You overexerted yourself is all, you need to rest.”

I shook my head. “That’s not it, I know it. This has never happened. Not even when I pushed myself in training.”

Charles sighed and folded his hands. “You see, y/n, before you had your accident, you experienced unprecedented levels of mental strain. You pushed yourself too far and in doing so, set up a wall in your mind.”

“I don’t understand.”

“In an effort to protect yourself, you blocked off that part of yourself. You cut yourself off from the fear and pain.” He clarified. “The adrenaline carried you through, but once that was over, anything tied to it got put behind the wall. Your mutation was likely lumped in as well as it caused you so much pain.” 

“Does that mean it’s gone?” I questioned.

“No, no I don’t think it’s as simple as that. I think it just needs a little… encouragement. It needs to be coaxed out from hiding and shown that there is nothing to fear now.”

“Thank you, professor. I think I’ll go to sleep now.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

~

“What the hell was that down there?!” Peter demanded. He paced back and forth, his hands shaking uncontrollably. 

“Peter, please sit down.” Charles said calmly from behind his desk.

Peter turned on him quickly. “I don’t want to sit down, I want an explanation! Why doesn’t she remember me?!” 

“If you would just calm down a moment I will explain. I don’t want to have to force you.” He huffed before slumping down impatiently on the chair in front of him. His feet tapped obnoxiously, but Charles ignored it. “Thank you. Now what seems to have happened is that she blocked off all memories of the event. The pain, the fear, anything threatening to her wellbeing. Sadly, you were tied in by association.”

“So I should just forget about her ever remembering me, great.” He slumped in his chair, his arms folded.

Charles shook his head and chuckled. “You children and thinking everything is permanent. No, that’s not the case. She just needs time and support from us. In fact, I think you’re the perfect person.”

“What?” Peter’s head shot up to meet the professor’s eyes. 

“Y/n needs someone to help her readjust, to help her come to terms with what happened and understand that she doesn’t need to be afraid, even if she doesn’t think she is. You were there. You know what happened. Furthermore, she may be more receptive to you as she doesn’t think she knows you very well. If you can draw out memories of you, it may help to break down the wall she’s built.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are finally kicking off but a harmless outing could cost Peter his place with the X-Men.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who would have thought that a dumb rock history class I took four years ago would finally come in handy?

“So what’s been going on around here since I’ve been out of commission?” I asked, taking a bite of soup. 

Jean shrugged her shoulders. “Not much, things have been running as usual. School’s school, although the professor’s been running us harder through drills.” 

“Great, I can’t wait.” I grumbled. “Is it because of what happened to me or because he just wants to push us?”

“Knowing him, it could go either way.” She sighed. “It’s not too bad, honestly, but enough to be a nuisance. We’re all getting better, though.”

“That’s great! I can’t wait to get back into it. Has anyone said how long I have to wait around?”

Jean shook her head. “No one’s said much of anything, but I doubt it’ll be soon. Charles thinks you should be taking things slow, not just jumping back into your routine in case you relapse or something.”

I set my food aside, mostly eaten, and slumped against my pillows. How long did he expect me to just sit around doing nothing? What was I supposed to do in the meantime? I wanted to be out there, helping people, doing something worthwhile. 

“Oh!” Jean exclaimed, hopping down from her seat next to the window. She picked up a bunch of flowers that had been resting on a table across the room and handed them to me. “Someone did drop these off for you earlier.” 

I took the bunch and looked at it quizzically. Who would have sent me flowers that I hadn’t already seen? A white card was tied to one stem.

 

_ I’m sorry -P. _

 

“P?” I read aloud. “Do you have any idea who it could be?”

Jean shrugged noncommittally, a smirk on her face. “Could be a secret admirer.”

“Yeah, right.” I scoffed before remembering the man from earlier. “Hang on. Jean do you know a guy named Peter?”

“Silver hair, wears a leather jacket?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, I think it rings a bell. Why do you ask?”

“Well it’s signed ‘P’ and he’s the only one I know of that has a name beginning with the letter and would send these to me.” I answered. I played with the petals on one of the flowers. It was sweet of him to send me flowers, but why would he? As if she read my mind, which she probably did, Jean asked the same.

“What reason would he have to send you flowers?” She picked up the card and inspected it.

“I mean, he came in here earlier and freaked out a little. Maybe he felt bad for barging in.” I suggested.

“It’s possible.” She handed me the card and took the flowers. “Do you want me to put these in some water?” 

“Yes, please!” I said with a childish grin. She chuckled, shaking her head before leaving then returning with the flowers in a vase. She set them down on the table beside me.

“I’m sure Charles won’t mind if we borrow this for a little bit. I actually have some homework I need to finish. Do you need anything before I go?” 

I shook my head. “Nope! Thanks for keeping me company for a bit. Good luck with your homework. God knows I’m going to need your help catching up with all mine….” 

We said our goodbyes and hugged before she left, the door clicking behind her. The sunset poured in through the window beside me casting the room in a golden glow. It brought out the orange and yellow hues in the flowers, almost making them appear to be glowing. I wondered how he knew they were my favorite. At that moment I decided I’d thank him when I saw him next. He didn’t seem to be that weird despite our altercation. There was something about him that I couldn’t define, but I wanted to figure out. 

~

A few days later I was discharged from the medical wing of the mansion. I was able to change into more comfortable clothes (i.e. jeans, a hoodie, and sneakers) than a hospital gown. I skipped down the hall, giddy to be finally able to roam around as I pleased. No longer was I confined to the same four walls all day. According to Charles’s orders, I wasn’t to go to any classes for the next few days. While it was frustrating, I was just glad to be allowed to do something. I decided to go looking for my friends as it was Saturday. 

I found the group sitting in the grass by the lake, enjoying the last of the warm sun before autumn came. Jubilee animatedly recounted a story as Jean laughed. Scott smiled as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and Kurt shook his head a smile on his face as well.

“Hey, y/n!” Ororo cheered when she saw me. The others turned and waved me over. I ran over, taking a seat in the circle. 

“Glad to have you back.” Kurt said.

“I’m glad to be back!” I grinned. A box of cookies were thrust in front of me.

“I made cookies for everyone! Go ahead and take as many as you’d like!” Jubilee beamed. 

I thanked her, selecting a couple before she continued on with her story. This was right. This was how things were meant to be. As much as we were a bunch of superheroes protecting the world, we were still just a bunch of kids. We had stupid fights and played dumb pranks on one another. We had study dates and went out to movies. We complained about teachers and trash talked those who hurt our friends. 

“Hey guys!” Peter took a seat beside me, causing me to jump. He picked up a cookie and took a large bite. “What did I miss?”

“Jubilee vas telling us about some of ze new kids zhis year.” Kurt replied. 

“Oh, cool. Some of them, I tell you, they’re going to be real pieces of work.” He took another bite of cookie before turning and noticing me. “Hey, I’m Peter.”

“Yeah, we’ve met. You’re the one that ran into my room.” I didn’t understand why everyone seemed so calm about this. Did they all know him? Was this a normal occurrence? Peter rambled on about some of the new kids. Everyone welcomed him into the conversation so smoothly, he had to be a part of the group. He seemed okay, albeit slightly obnoxious. He couldn’t sit still. He was constantly shifting or tapping his fingers or foot. I’d just have to get used to it since he was a part of the gang now.

“Y/n? You okay over there?” Scott waved a hand in front of my face, pulling me from my thoughts.

“You should go rest if you’re tired or not feeling well.” Ororo said. “Charles will kill us if we let you overexert yourself.”

I waved my hand dismissively. “I’m fine, really. I think I’ll just go walk around a bit.” I stood, brushing off stray bits of grass. 

“I’ll go with you!” Peter leaped up as well.

“No, no you don’t have to it’s fine.” 

“I think that’s a great idea!” Jean chimed in. Her nudge to Scott didn’t escape my notice.

“Uh- yeah! Peter should go with you in case, uh-” He broke off and glanced at Jean who gave him a pointed look. “In case something happens like you pass out or something.”

I sighed, raising my hands in surrender. They were just worried about me. “Fine, if it makes you guys feel better, I’ll go with Peter.” I began to make my way back up to the mansion with Peter right beside me.

“So...” He began with his hands awkwardly shoved in his pockets.

“So?” 

“Just trying to strike up a conversation considering we’re a team and all.” He said.

I stopped in my tracks. “Team? What are you talking about?” 

“The X-Men? I’m on the team.” 

“Since when?” I spluttered. Few people were ever invited to join us. Even fewer accepted. Only under the most extraordinary of circumstances did Charles consider someone. 

“Uh….” Peter glanced around a moment. “About a month or so ago?” 

“That can’t be right. You’d have to have extraordinary abilities to be invited so soon. How long have you even gone here? I’ve never seen you before, I don’t care what Jean says.” I asserted. 

Peter shrugged with a grin. “I guess I’m just that special.” I huffed and turned to walk inside the mansion. This guy was something special that’s for sure. Why did I feel so offended by his joining us? Was it that I felt like he was interrupting our dynamic? Clearly he had to be a valuable asset if he was invited. It wasn’t just everyday mutants that got to be a part of the X-Men. I had to at least try to get to know the guy. He was a teammate whether I liked it or not.

“So, what do you like to do?” 

“Sorry?”

“You wanted to get to know each other, so what do you like to do?”

Peter scratched his head a moment. “I mean, I like music.” 

I nodded at his Pink Floyd shirt. “I could have guessed that. They’re not bad. I’m more of a Zeppelin fan, myself.”

“Not bad?!” He gasped, clutching his chest in mock horror. “I’ll have you know Dark Side of the Moon was a pivotal point in rock music. It was created with advanced recording techniques that impact the production of music to this day! Pink Floyd focuses on the inner spirit and dealing with mental health. It’s one of the greatest albums of all time! Have you seen what Zeppelin does? They’re just a bunch of sex-crazed lunatics! Yeah, their music is kind of similar, but way less impactful on the listener personally.” 

“Wow.” I said amusedly. “I didn’t expect all of that. I still prefer Zeppelin even if they are ‘sex-crazed’ as you say.”

Peter shook his head with a laugh. “You don’t insult Pink Floyd like that with me.”

“I’ll keep note of that. So is that your thing? You’re the music guy?” I asked.

“I guess so. I mean, I also play video games and stuff.” 

I paused again as we came to my room. I turned to him, leaning back on the door.“Oh, really? We should go to the arcade at the mall some time then. I need to get out of here.” 

“We could go now, if you wanted.” He mumbled, looking up and down the hall to make sure no one was listening. “No one would have to know we’re gone.” 

“I don’t know, if we got caught, we’d both be in trouble. I’m not supposed to leave campus in my ‘condition’.” I stated, folding my arms. 

“C’mon,” He rocked back and forth on his feet. “what are you going to do otherwise? I can run us there and back in no time.”

“Run us there?” I questioned.

“Oh, yeah, that’s my power. I have superspeed.” He folded his arms as well, a smug smirk gracing his face. 

I pursed my lips in thought. What was the harm? We were just going to an arcade, maybe drink some slurpees, shop for records…. Students snuck out all the time. Besides, we were X-Men, not some run of the mill mutants. We’d go, have some fun for once, and be back before anyone really noticed we were gone. I nodded in assent. “Alright, let’s do it. You’re taking the blame if we get in trouble, though.”

Before I could process what he was doing, Peter scooped me up into his arms. A mischievous smile had taken place of his smug look. So far he seemed to only have two moods: cocky smartass and unnervingly rogueish “Of course! What kind of guy do you think I am? I’m holding your neck so you don’t get whiplash, by the way. You might want to prepare yourself and hold on tight.”

The next thing I knew, wind was blowing past us, sucking my breath away. My stomach flipped at the nauseating speed. Then, I was on my feet outside the mall, leaning heavily against the wall as I waited for my head to stop spinning. 

“Sorry about that.” Peter said, clearly eager to get moving again. “It happens to everyone.” 

“Glad to hear that. It’s very comforting.” I stepped back from the wall and headed inside with Peter close behind. “We do need to place one rule in advance: no powers. You can’t use your superspeed to cheat.”

“You have no faith in me, do you?”

“Well you haven’t really given me much of a reason to trust you yet.” I grabbed his arm, dragging him to the arcade. 

~

She was beautiful with the neon lights flashing in her eyes and the 16-bit music bouncing off the walls. In the days after their rescue, Peter was distraught. She had done the impossible and saved the both of them single handedly. He had been nothing but dead weight and yet she wouldn’t leave his side. After all her efforts, he should have been the one in worse condition. She shouldn’t have ended up in a coma. She shouldn’t have been forced to lock herself away in order to save him. If he had just tried a little more, fought a little harder, maybe none of this would have happened. The both of them would be able to go on as usual. 

On the other hand, Peter would have never come to his senses. He was obsessed with her. Seeing her lying unconscious in the hospital bed pained him more than the torture he had experienced in the base. He didn’t know what he would have done if she had never woken up. She’d never cry laughing at one of his dumb jokes again. She’d never argue with him over drills or steal from his secret stash of snacks that he definitely didn’t steal from the kitchen. Now, it was as if she was even further away. He knew almost everything about her and she knew nothing. The pain of knowing her and loving her without her wholly there was worse than any that could be inflicted. 

“Let’s go play Contra!” She gasped, pulling him over to the machine and inserting a couple quarters. 

“Alright, but I have to warn you, I’ve beat this game like ten times already.” He took his place beside her, pressing the button to confirm.

She nudged him with her elbow, sending warmth spreading up his side from the touch. “Without your powers? Well if you’re so confident about your abilities, how about you put your money where your mouth is?”

“You really want to gamble with me?”

“Not necessarily, but you can buy me a slurpee if I score higher.”

“Sounds fair to me.”

~

We didn’t have that many quarters on us since our trip was a spur of the moment thing. After I beat Peter at Contra (much too his indignance), we played a few rounds of Galaga and he showed me how quickly he could beat Pac-Man. 

“You must have spent hours practicing.” I commented as he played.

He cleared his throat. “Uh yeah, I have a machine at home. That and Pong.”

“Are you rich or something?! How do you have two machines?!” I asked, shaking my head.

“I may have… stole them…”

“You stole-”

“Shh!” He hurriedly hushed me, abandoning his game and glancing around. “Yeah, I’m a klepto alright? I don’t need the whole mall hearing!”

I held my hands up to stop him from crashing into me. “Okay, sorry, I was just surprised. I mean it kind of makes sense given how easy it would be with your speed.”

“It’s just a thing. I’m not proud of it, I can’t help it. Anyway, game over. I owe you a slurpee now don’t I?” He said, linking his arm with mine.

“Yes, you do. I won fair and square.” 

~ 

She had only just taken a seat at an empty table when Peter appeared holding two cherry slurpees in either hand. 

“You paid for those, right?” Her eyes sparkled in amusement at the knowledge she now had. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He set one cup in front of her as he sat down, already halfway finished with his. He pressed a palm to his forehead and hissed.

“You know you’ll get a brain freeze if you drink that too fast.”

He shot a half hearted glare at the girl. She could be so infernal, yet he couldn’t help but let it slide. God knows he could be just as bad. “What do you want to do after this? We could go back to the school, but that’s lame and we’re already here, so we might as well hang around a bit longer.” 

She hummed as she took a large sip of her drink. “I think I saw a record store on the way down here if you wanted to check that out.” “Perfect! I can introduce you to some actually good music.” He smirked.

“More like the other way around.” Her lips were stained cherry red and Peter wondered if they tasted the same. He shook his head. He had no right to be thinking like that. She only saw him as a friend before and barely that now. 

“We’ll just have to see then, won’t we?”

~

Records lined the walls of the store and filled shelves in the center. Music drifted through the air from a record player set in the corner. I set to digging through the shelves to see if I could find something new to add to my collection. I chuckled as I came across a Matthew Wilder album. ‘Break My Stride’? The perfect song for Peter. 

“Here you go, y/n.” His voice came from behind me. I turned to see him holding a record out to me as he continued digging through the stack. “You’d probably like this.”

I took the album from him and glanced at the cover. “The Doors? And you say Zeppelin is sex-crazed? You have some weird perceptions, Pete.” 

“They’re not! They’re innovative! Besides, they’ve done much more in the way of influencing people what with the counterculture movement and all that.” He countered.

“Yeah, and the drugs and the alcoholism and the harassment….” I added, placing the album back in with the others. 

“When was that not the case, though?”

“Touché, but Morrison took it to a whole other level and that doesn’t make it right.”

“Fair enough.” 

I dug around some more before coming across a newer record. “Hey have you heard the new Queen album?”

Peter’s nose scrunched up. “Yeah, but it definitely doesn’t beat their ‘75 album.”

I nodded. “Bohemian Rhapsody will definitely go down in history as one of the greatest rock songs. I wouldn’t be surprised if people are still listening to it thirty years from now. It’s not too bad, though.”

“I don’t think they could make a bad album if they tried.” He agreed. “You know, I have a pretty big collection of records if you wanted to hang out and listen some time.”

“That’d be fun, I could bring some of my own too. We should probably get going. We’ve been here for at least three hours by now.”

~ 

Having her cling to him for dear life was oddly pleasing to Peter. For her, things were to fast to comprehend, but they were completely normal to him. It was as if time had frozen and he could just revel in the feeling of her arms tightly wrapped around his neck. Her eyes were screwed shut against the passing landscape. Too early for his liking, he set her on her feet outside the door to the mansion. She swayed slightly as she regained her balance. 

“I don’t think I’d ever get used to that.” She pressed her palm to the side of her head. “It doesn’t help that I’m still kind of sick.”

“Sorry, you should probably go lie down. I’ll help you.” Peter opened the door and led her inside.

“If she was able to leave the campus, I’m sure she can make it to her room just fine, Mr. Maximoff.” The pair froze as they came face to face with the professor. He pinched his brow in frustration. “If you pull antics like this, you’re only going to make things worse for yourself. I can only help so much. Go rest and Peter meet me in my office.”

The girl muttered a soft goodbye before turning and trudging toward the stairs to her dorm. She stopped once she had climbed about halfway, turning to look over her shoulder at Peter. He gave her an encouraging smile before following Charles into his office and closing the door.

“Sir I didn’t mean-”

“I know exactly what you meant. Take a seat. You can’t lie to a mind reader.” Charles sighed. 

Peter raised his hands defensively. “I’m sorry, but-”

“No, I’m speaking now. I told you to get her to know you again, not put her in harm's way. What if something had happened out there? Did you think about that?”

“Well, no… but-”

“No, Peter, because you don’t think, you act. Time and time again I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt. I thought that by joining the X-Men you might learn a thing or two about responsibility. I’m not your father-”

Peter straightened quickly, his jaw clenching. “Don’t bring my father into this. I did what I thought best for y/n. What better way to gain her trust than actually treat her like a human being? You know she can’t stand being benched.”

“This isn’t about her treatment. You put a teammate in danger today, Peter. She could have gotten seriously hurt if she got too worked up. I trusted you to help her and you’ve betrayed that trust.”

Peter shook his head, confused as to where this was going. “So what? You’re going to ground me? What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t want you to help y/n regain her memories anymore. Clearly you can’t go about it in the right way. You’re a liability to-”

“I’m sorry Professor, but I can’t do that.” Peter said as he stood. “I may have promised you I’d help her, but I also made a promise to myself. Never again will I stand by and do nothing while she suffers. I don’t care what it takes, I’m going to save her. I have to save her. I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose her again.” Without another word, he turned his back on Charles and walked out of his office, the heavy door clicking shut behind him.  


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A walk in the woods is a great way to clear your mind when your anxious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken so long to update but I've gotten swept up with school and other ideas for fics. Keep a look out for some Shakespeare AUs and winter themed fics coming to you soon!

I sat in the garden, enjoying the fresh air and sunlight while it lasted. It was quiet here since most people would be down by the lake with friends. A few days had passed since my adventure with Peter. He’d been slightly distant but wasn’t exactly ignoring me. He’d still say hello when we passed and join in our conversations at meals, but he was a bit more… subdued than normal. As for myself, the past few days had been rough mentally. My sleep was disturbed by images I’d forget upon waking, leaving me with nothing but a headache to know they even happened. It was strange going to a school for mutants and not even attending classes or even having a mutation to speak of. 

I tried to read a book but found the words blurred together as I zoned out. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t let go of the nagging feeling that I could be doing something more. For the nth time that day, I went for a walk. It didn’t soothe my mind any, but it gave my body something to do. The hollow ache in my stomach remained, but at least I was moving. If I kept moving, maybe I could escape it all. I could walk and keep walking until everything and everyone was far behind me. No more pitying stares and words of encouragement. No more advice from people who didn’t understand. I was a mutant without a mutation, outside the boundaries of  _ Homo sapiens _ and  _ Homo S _

_ superior _ . As much as they tried, no one could help me. There was no point in me being at the school, so why was I kept here? For the hopeless pursuit of somehow regaining my powers? As if I meditated and reflected on my uselessness enough, they would just magically appear again? 

My steps moved from sluggish to quick, each coming after another faster and faster until my heart started to pound. My eyes began to prick with tears. I had to get away from all this, but how can you run from your own mind? I found myself running for the trees. The sun was too hot, the air around the mansion was stuffy, I had to get away. I had to go. Go. Go! 

The branches scraped my arms as I crashed through them. I felt my foot catch on a root and I crashed to the dirt. I layed there, huddled, sobbing. A dull throbbing returned inside my head. 

I heard footsteps cautiously coming closer. A warm hand rested on my shoulder before guiding me upright into the person’s arms. They smelled crisp, almost minty, and slightly sweet like-

“Peter?” My voice was still a little raspy from crying.

“I’m sorry. Everything’s going to be okay, I promise.” He murmured.

My shaking breaths gradually became more steady as my heart rate slowed. The beat of his heart was soothing against my cheek. The only other sounds surrounding us were the rustling of the leaves in the wind and the occasional birdsong, encasing the both of us away from the world in a bubble of our own making. I pulled away from his embrace. 

“What are you doing here?”

He gently pushed a strand of hair away from my face. “I saw you run in here and wanted to make sure you were okay. What happened?”

I bit my lip as fresh tears welled in my eyes. “I-I can’t… I don’t…” 

“Hey, hey it’s alright.” Peter said quietly. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Do you want to go back?”

“No, I don’t think I can bear to be locked up there right now. Can we stay here for a bit?” I sniffed.

Peter nodded and stood, offering me a hand. “Let’s go for a walk.” 

I graciously took his offer and pushed myself to my feet. The more distance I could put between myself and the mansion, the better. All the more, I’d hate for anyone else to see me like this. They’d only use it as more reason to confine me to my room. We walked deeper into the forest. The sun peeked its way through the leaves, leaving sunny spots on the dirt floor. It was cool, but comfortably so. A woodpecker pecked its way into a tree and a squirrel scurried its way through the branches. I wouldn’t have guessed there was so much active wildlife here. It was more likely that the numerous explosions and other destructive events by a rogue mutation would have scared anything away.

Peter was uncharacteristically quiet as we walked. His shoulder brushed against mine once in awhile. I counted myself lucky for his company. We’d only known each other for a few months and yet it was as if it was far longer. Sometimes it felt like I was closer to him than any of my other friends. At least he didn’t treat me like a helpless child. 

Slowly, the trees began to thin and the forest brightened. We broke through the treeline to find a small pond surrounded with stones. Its surface shined on the clear water. Beside it an old tree had fallen, leaving a perfect seat to rest on. I made my way over and sat on it, Peter following. 

For a moment we sat and stared at the water. 

“I’m afraid, Peter.” I suddenly said, breaking the silence.

He turned to look at me, furrowing his brow. “What are you afraid of?”

“Everyone keeps telling me, ‘oh, just give it time, everything will work itself out’, but it’s not! I wake up every morning and I’m still no closer to remembering what happened to me. I can’t predict even the smallest of things! Worst of all, I have this constant nagging feeling like I’m forgetting something.” Tears began to trail down my face again. My voice quavered. “I-I know that I am, obviously, but it’s- it’s more than that. There’s something more that I’m forgetting and I just feel so- guilty!” 

“I’m not really the best person to ask for advice. I can barely work through things myself, honestly. I wish there was something I could tell you, but I can’t. You’re probably tired of hearing this, but it’s really for the best right now. I’m here for you, though. Anytime you need to- to talk or just need company or whatever you need, anything at all, I’m here,” he assured. 

I rested my head on his shoulder, wrapping my arms around his neck as he tensed. “Thank you,” I mumbled. 

We remained that way for some time. There, surrounded by the sweet peace of the forest, the dazzling reflection of the pond, and the warmth of Peter, I found myself in a dream-like state. It wasn’t until I felt him shift beneath me that I was pulled out of my haze.

“We should probably head back before we get in trouble again.” He breathed with a joking tone before slipping off the tree. I hummed, allowing him to guide me to stand. 

We walked back to the mansion as the air became cooler in the setting sun. The trees were darker as the light filtering in lessened. Soon we had reached the edge of the trees again. 

“You should probably go before me, head in another entrance,” I suggested. “That way we won’t be seen together and Charles can’t get angry with the both of us.”

Peter nodded, examining the field outside the mansion. “It doesn’t look like there’s anyone around. You should at least be able to get inside without getting caught. Will you be alright?”

“I’ll be fine, now go before someone does show up.” I gave him light shove before he slipped his goggles on and ran off. I shook my head as I smiled slightly at his worry. Giving him a few moments start, I continued on my way inside. 

Luckily, no one seemed to be around to question where I’d been all day or why my shoes and clothes were slightly muddied. I slipped into my room, the door clicking shut behind me, and collapsed on my bed. The golden light of the sunset filtered in my window, casting my room in a warm glow. A glare shone on the few pictures I had tacked to my wall. One was of Jean and I when we were bored studying. Another from when Scott, Kurt, and I stole one of Charles’ cars and took a trip to the city. My eyes caught on another that hung crooked, half hidden behind one of Jubilee when she managed to blow her gum into a bubble the size of her face. I straightened the film and gasped. It was Peter and I. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stress of everything comes to its head. Will a few poorly chosen words cause it all to come crumbling down?

My ankle hurts as I trudge through the snow. It’s all coming down so hard I can barely see ahead of me. I'm laying on a wooden floor, my head hurts. A man grips my arm, the blood in my veins feel like fire. My heart pounded faster and faster. Run. Get out of here. Go. Go where? Just go. The air is cold, but it’s a breath of fresh air away from the stale room. There’s trees and the sun is bright, blinding, blinding pain. The ground was solid and now it’s not there. The refreshing air is sucked away, replaced with icy water. It’s dark and I’m falling. There’s a flash of silver.

I woke with a gasp. My chest heaving as it sought the air it lost in my dream. The images faded unto a pulsing ache, the only memory being pain and exhaustion. I hadn’t slept well since I woke up the first time. My vision blurred with tears. I just wanted to sleep. I just wanted to remember what happened to me. Why did my mutation disappear? No, not disappear, go dormant. At least that’s what they kept telling me.

Swinging my legs off my bed, I stood. There was no hope of getting anymore rest anyway. I crept downstairs into the kitchen. After whatever the dream was, I could use some water. Furthermore, the more I was away from my room, the better.

It wasn’t uncommon for people to have restless sleep in the mansion. There was always at least a few people wandering the halls at night for multiple reasons. It was a well known fact, so we all knew not to bring it up. Everyone had their demons.

I filled my glass and sat down at the counter, the cold glass cooling my warm skin. The only sound was the ticking clock hanging on the wall. I watched the second hand march around once, twice, around and around until I lost track. 2:00, 2:15... I stared at the ring of water the condensation from the glass left on the table. 2:30… footsteps approached the kitchen. Peter shuffled in with a yawn, his hair messy and dressed in a band shirt and sweatpants. He swung open the door of the refrigerator, releasing the blinding light as he pulled out a jug of orange juice. He uncapped it and took a few swigs.

“‘Morning,” I greeted.

He jumped slightly. “Uh, ‘morning.” He glanced at the jug in his hand, lowering it. “You won’t tell Charles about….” I shook my head and he nodded as he replaced the jug and shut the door. “Cool. So, uh, what are you doing up so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep. Same as most people here. You?”

“My mutation doesn’t really let me sleep that much,” he replied. He took a seat across from me. “Why can’t you sleep?”

“Just-” I paused, seeking a way to explain the odd circumstances. “I’m have those weird dreams that I know are important, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t remember them.”

“You’ve mentioned this to Charles?”

“Of course I have. He’s tried to help, recommended dream journaling and shit, but that doesn’t exactly work when I can’t remember my dreams as soon as I wake up. He refuses to go into my mind to see my dreams and just tell me. He says it’s dangerous or whatever. I’ve even tried asking Jean, but you know how close she is to him.”

“They probably have good reason for that. I mean, Charles is pretty much an expert on the human mind.”

“That’s all well and great, but how am I supposed to remember anything if I can’t remember the dreams I’m having about it?”

“If you dream about it enough, something’s bound to stick eventually, right?”

I sighed, drawing designs in the condensation in my glass. “I’ve been dreaming about it every night for weeks now. Since I woke up from the coma practically.”

“If I’ve learned anything from my experiences, if it’s keeping you up, there must be something sticking,” he pressed.

“I mean, I remember feelings, emotions….”

“That’s something then! It’s at least a place to start, go on.”

I shook my head, the dull ache growing slightly sharper. “I remember- I remember exhaustion and- and fear and pain, a lot of pain.”

He frowned, fidgeting in his seat. “Just from that it sounds pretty bad. Are you sure you really want to remember whatever it was?”

“I have to remember! At the end of my dreams there’s this brief moment of relief and it just seems so much more important than the rest! I have to know why! Besides that, I need my mutation back.” My hands fisted in frustration.

“You can predict the future, right? I mean, I get how it’s useful and all, but people get by without it all the time. Won’t changing things affect the future and all that?”

I felt anger boil in me at his words. “I can’t just do it at will, and it’s only snippets when it does happen. It’s a part of me. People get by all the time without superspeed but wouldn’t you feel worthless if you didn’t have it? Yeah, it sucks, and I don’t expect you to understand the pain of knowing something when no one else does and being able to do nothing about it, but it’s not something I’d change. Not for nothing.” I roughly shoved my chair back as I stood, storming out of the kitchen too quickly for him to respond.

~

Peter sighed, her words echoing in his head. “I wouldn’t understand,” he mumbled, “funny you should say that.”

In a moment, he was back in his room, lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. It killed him not being able to do anything. Peter was a man of action, not a man of sitting around thinking. Oftentimes that got him into trouble, but things tended to work themselves out. No matter the problem, there was always somewhere he could go or something he could do. Words like ‘stop’ and ‘wait’ and ‘patience’ weren’t in his vocabulary.

He put on his headphones in an attempt to drown out his thoughts. They had a tendency to run off on their own. The music was probably too loud to be considered at safe levels, but he didn’t care. After a couple songs he threw them off with a sigh of frustration. If music wasn’t going to do the trick, he was going to have to go for the next best thing. He strapped on his goggles and sped off.

In just a couple minutes he was in the suburbs of D.C., strolling down the sidewalk under the streetlamps. He came to a familiar mailbox and walked up to the door, knocking loud enough that it wouldn’t be a disturbance but would still achieve the desired effect. He was slightly ashamed and sorry for the practice he had at it. A moment later the door swung open to reveal a worried woman.

“Hi, mom,” Peter said.

“Are you in trouble again?” She sighed.

“No! No, not this time. It’s not that it’s- it’s something else.”

She nodded, stepping aside to let him in. He followed her into the kitchen. “Your sister’s still asleep. Can I get you something to eat?”

He shook his head and sat down at the table. “No, I’m not really hungry. I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Must be pretty serious. You’re always hungry,” she remarked as she also sat.

“You see, there’s uh- there’s a girl-”

“Ah, I see how it is. Peter, you’re 29-”

“No, it’s also not like that! I mean it kind of is, but no! It’s kind of hard to explain.” He scratched the back of his neck.

“Well, you’ve woken me up at three in the morning dozens of times, what’s one more? I’ll make us some coffee.”

~

The sun was just beginning to come up when Peter arrived back at the mansion. He sped through the halls in search of y/n, finally coming to a halt when he caught sight of her. He watched as she walked, staying close to the wall, her books gripped tightly against her chest.

He noticed the dark circles under her eyes and felt bad that he hadn’t noticed before. He quickly came up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.

“I wanted to apologize for this morning. What I said was insensitive and I was kind of a dick.”

“Yeah, you were,” she nodded, “but I wasn’t so great either. I was just angry and I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away like that.”

“You had reason to, I don’t blame you.”

“So we’re good then?”

“Yeah, we’re good. You know, we never did get to listen to those records. If you’re free now we could,” He shrugged.

“I’d love to, but right now I actually have another meeting with the professor. Gag me with a spoon, am I right? Maybe later, yeah?”

Peter nodded, almost bouncing on his heels. “Yeah, totally, that’d be rad. Good luck with that guy.”

“Thanks, see you later then!” She smiled, turning and hurrying off in the opposite direction.

Peter smiled to himself. Maybe it was a good idea getting advice from his mom.

~

“Are you sure you’re really trying your hardest?”

“Professor why would you think I’m not?!”

Charles pinched his brow in frustration. “Because y/n, it’s been about four months now and you’ve yet to make any progress. You don’t remember anything? Nothing whatsoever?”

“I’ve told you, I can’t remember my dreams. It doesn’t matter what I do. All I can remember are feelings I had,” I insisted.

He waved his hand dismissively. “Yes, yes, I know. You’ve been saying the same this entire time. I just expected-”

“Then you expected wrong. I’m beginning to think maybe you don’t know how to help me.” I slumped down in my chair. “There’s only one thing that’s going to work and that’s if someone goes into my mind and tells me what happened.”

“Not in the question. It’s too dangerous.”

“We don’t know that for sure! You only assume! If Erik were here-”

“Erik wouldn’t know what he’s talking about!” He snapped. “I’m a telepath, I know what I’m doing.”

“Are you sure? Because it seems like everything you say is going to help doesn’t work.”

“If you just tried to see it from my side and put in a little more effort-”

“I have been, Charles! I try and I try to remember. I never leave the grounds. I barely sleep at night. I don’t know what more you want from me. I guess I’m just going to have to figure it out myself.” I said flatly, standing up to leave.

“Don’t be stupid!” Charles called after me. “You need help! You need our help!”

I turned to look at him over my shoulder. “At this point, I don’t think there’ll be much of a difference between your help and figuring it out myself.” I swung the door open and marched out, slamming it shut behind me.

I found myself outside Peter’s room and knocked. The door swung open immediately and his face fell when he saw me.

“Hey, what happened?”

“It sucked, that’s what happened.” I flopped over on his bed.

“Well no duh! C’mon, you look like you just found out there’s a chestburster inside you. Which, might I add would actually make sense given what’s going on.”

I groaned. “Gross, but honestly, I’d prefer it. No, I’ve pretty much fired Charles as my therapist.”

“You didn’t!” He gasped before turning his back to rifle through his records.

“I did. I think I’m just going to have to settle for the fact that I’m a broken mutant.”

He selected one, carefully placing it on the player. “Nah, you’re not. Maybe it’s just not something you can force. Maybe you really do just need to give it time. It might be another month, it might be a year. I’m sure it will come back eventually.” At that, the beginning of a guitar solo filled the room.

“Huh, never took you for a Metallica guy, Maximoff,” I teased. “You’ve been hanging around Warren, haven’t you?

He smirked. “Yeah, well, anything’s better than Zeppelin.”

I flipped over, kicking my heels in the air. “What’s your damage, man?”

His face suddenly became serious. “A Zeppelin drummer killed my father.”

“What-”

The facade cracked into a grin as he laughed at my confused face. “I psyched you good there.”

“I’m sure.” He pulled me to my feet. “What are you doing?”

“You’re too stressed out. It’s all a waiting game now, right? So loosen up.” He directed my arms in a ridiculous sort of dance and like it was completely natural and ordinary, we lost ourselves. A couple of albums later we collapsed on his bed, breathless from air guitars and singing.

“You know, I found something the other day. I meant to bring it up to you this morning, but then stuff happened….” I propped myself up on my elbow.

He turned to face me. “What did you find?”

I fished in my pocket for the picture. “I was looking at the pictures hanging on my wall and I found one that was kind of interesting.” He took the picture and swiftly sat up. “Why didn’t you tell me you knew me before?”

“I-I didn’t want it to cause issues or anything….”

“What do you mean? I’m not angry, I’m just confused. Like, I forgot one thing, it wouldn’t be surprising if I also forgot a few other things along the way.”

Peter shook his head. “You don’t understand. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“It looks to me like we were pretty good friends. How would you have lost me?”

He sped across the room to the window, out of my reach. “This is all my fault,” he confessed quietly. “It’s always my fault. I screwed up and you have to suffer for it.”

I walked over to him, taking his hand in mine. His eyes were ringed red. “What are you talking about?”

“Your memory loss, your mutation, the accident, it’s all my fault,” he wept.

“What do you mean it’s your fault?” I demanded.

“I was there. I messed up and then this happened when you tried to fix it.”

I released his hand, stumbling backward. “So you didn’t just lie about knowing me,” I stated. “You lied about everything!”

“I’m sorry! I had to! I couldn’t lose you like I lose everyone else!”

“Well great job, Pete. Looks like you did it anyway.” I backed away, turning for the door.

“You always used to call me that,” he whispered.

I shook my head and left the room, hiding my face so he wouldn’t see the tears of my own that threatened to fall.

~

“It’s true, you guys were great friends. You were practically inseparable, to be honest,” Jean said. “Some people even suspected more.”

“What?”

“Oh, yeah, it was on the school’s betting market. I think it still is.”

We sat outside in the garden as she got me up to speed with our classes. Now that I wasn’t listening to Charles, I was able to go back to class. Finally I had something useful occupying my mind. Unfortunately, my spat with Peter had me a little distracted.

I patted down the pages that rustled in the wind. “Yeah, too bad I can barely look at him now.”

“What do you mean?”

“We had a fight.”

“Well obviously, but why?”

“He knows exactly what happened to me because he was there. He says it was his fault. I got angry because he didn’t tell me on top of not telling me that he knew me before the accident.” Jean’s eyes widened. “Speaking of which, you all also knew, didn’t you?”

“You have to understand, we were sworn to secrecy,” she explained.

I stood and gathered my things into my bag. “I got that. That’s all anyone says. ‘Oh, it’s a secret, you’re just going to have to trust us, y/n’. Well how am I supposed to remember anything if no one tells me anything?!”

“You need to take a chill pill and listen for a sec’.” Jean forced me back down to sit. “You might not like it, but everything we’ve done has truly been for your own good. We didn’t like it either, but it was necessary for your survival. Hell, Peter was thoroughly against it. This entire thing has practically killed him. So I think you need to ask yourself why you’re really angry with him. Are you avoiding him because you’re angry that he was doing the best thing to help you, or are you avoiding him because you’re afraid of what you might find there?” She released me and gathered her own things. “Come find me when you sort your shit out.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a grand finale, will the reader be able to reconcile with Peter? Will she get her powers back? What happened to the failed mission? Strap in folks, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the time of writing this, this fic has just reached 100 hits. I'd like to preface this 8705 word finale by saying thank you to all who have followed this story or are reading it in the future. 
> 
> This story had a short beginning on Tumblr before due to some weaknesses in the platform for a writer as well as the issues in operation, I migrated here where it was more visible to see how far my stories were reaching. I almost gave up a few times, but each time I saw a new hit, it pushed me to at least finish a little more.   
> I'd like to give a big thank you to those who subscribed. Your expression of following this story was incredibly motivating for me to continue. I'd like to thank those who gave a kudos, your support gave me confidence that my story was at least enjoyable. I'd like to give another big thank you to my friend who's listened to all my ridiculous ranting about Peter and followed this story. You're the best! Finally, thank you again to everyone who has or will read this story. I've never written anything so long or been so proud of an accomplishment. Every single one of you have been a driving force in this project and will be in future projects.
> 
> I've never been one to edit or reread my stories at all, so I apologize for any and all timing or grammar mistakes. I've put in some research, especially into the weapon and my 80s culture, to make it as realistic as possible. I hope you enjoy! Now, enough of my ranting, on with the show!

_ “Are you avoiding him because you’re angry that he was doing the best thing to help you, or are you avoiding him because you’re afraid of what you might find there?” _

Jean’s words rang in my ears for days after our conversation. She was right and I felt horrible. I had a right to be angry, didn’t I? My friends lied to me and lead me to believe my condition was hopeless. But if they were honestly trying to save me, maybe I didn’t have the right to be angry. I should be thanking them. I should be apologizing for treating them so nastily. They were doing their best and trying to lead me as much as they could while I did nothing but shrug them aside or yell in their faces.

And Peter, poor Peter. He did more to support me and encourage me than any of the others, even when it must have hurt terribly. Any time I needed help, he was there. After sleepless nights, afternoon walks, sneaking off to sketchy convenience stores, and sharing stolen boxes of Twinkies on park benches in the wee hours of the morning, I dismissed him. Had we done that? Maybe I was mistaken. It didn’t matter- I probably broke him, another name on the list of people who had abandoned him. Peter didn’t deserve it. All he ever wanted was acceptance, someone who didn’t get angry when he couldn’t stop fidgeting or stop himself from stealing something or rambling about a dozen different topics in the span of five minutes. Jean told me we were close before so I was probably that person. Now I had taken that away from him. 

I couldn’t be angry for him wanting to prevent that after everything else he had lost. In the moment, of course I was angry, but now I couldn’t justify it. He was causing himself to suffer to save my life. So if I felt so guilty for causing him more pain, why couldn’t I just go to him to apologize? Was I really afraid of him as Jean said? Of course not. Why would I be afraid of Peter? He’d understand my anger, probably apologize again for what he’d done, I’d apologize for treating him so harshly, and then we’d hug and everything would be fine. Things would go back to normal and we’d return to our normal pattern of sneaking out and pranking people. That’s how it would be. I had no reason to be afraid of Peter. Yet I still couldn’t bring myself to walk to the silver speedster’s door. My feet were like lead anytime I thought of it as my body practically glued itself into place wherever I was. 

As more time passed, it became harder and harder to bring myself to do it. A month came and went and it felt like my window of opportunity was swiftly closing. If I didn’t act soon, there’d be no hope of reconciling. The emotions would fester and set in like an infection, making it too awkward to acknowledge what had happened. Luckily, the window was barred from shutting completely by the one and only Charles Xavier.

“Y/n, please meet me in my office,” Charles’ voice echoed in my head one morning. I sighed, swinging my legs over the edge of my bed. So much for a lazy Saturday. The halls were relatively empty as I made my way downstairs. Most of the students were outside enjoying the fresh snow that had fallen overnight. The first snowfall of the season I found that I suddenly had a strong distaste for the cold, wet stuff. I shivered at the thought before reaching the doors to the professor’s office and pushed them in. My insides churned at the sight before me.

“Ah, y/n, glad you could join us. Please take a seat,” Charles greeted, gesturing toward an empty seat at the table surrounded by the other X-Men. I nodded and averted my gaze from the others as I took my place. “Now, as I was saying, last time we tried to find the weapon it eluded us. However, it appears that fortune favors us today. There are signs that a group calling themselves the The Salvation are moving something very large and very dangerous.”

“I’m sorry, Professor,” Scott interrupted, “but how is it that we’re able to figure out what this group is called, but we still can’t figure out what they’re calling this... thing?”

“I’m not sure they have a name for it, to be honest.”

“Well I think we should call it The Terminator.” Jean shot him a look.

“You can call it whatever you like, the fact of the matter is we have a lead and we need to act fast or we might lose it. Hank, Peter, and I are going to go see what we can find and, if we get the chance, retrieve it. In the meantime, the rest of you need to protect the school. If these… Salvation people catch wind of what we’re doing, they may attack.”

“You don’t think they’ll figure out where you came from though, do you?” Jean asked.

He shook his head. “No, but it’s always better to be on the safe side of things.”

“We also need to go over the protocols,” Hank added. He stood beside Charles after readying a projector. A map of the mansion illuminated the room. “So let’s begin with the exits.”

He droned on about the different exits, hidden passages, and weak points in the mansion. I knew what he was saying could be important, but the dim lighting paired with the dry subject soon lulled me into a daze. My eyes drifted over the others and I could see the same was happening, except for Jean and Ororo of course. They were always alert. Scott rocked back on his chair while Kurt fiddled with a cross around his neck. Peter’s fingers tapped rapidly on the table. None of this pertained to him, so he was very obviously bored out of his mind. He would be leaving on a dangerous mission while the rest of us hung around here. He’d be risking his life to retrieve a weapon of possible mass destruction while we would be lazing around in the event that something maybe happened. He could die and I would never get the chance to mend our broken friendship. I had to say something to him before he left. His eyes shifted to mine, causing my stomach to flip as I quickly diverted my attention back to the presentation.

The projector clicked as it came to an empty slide. “And that’s about it,” Hank finished, “of course all of this could be completely useless in the event of an actual emergency. Just use common sense-”, we glanced at Scott, “-and the things you’ve learned in training and you should be fine.”

“Vhen are you leaving?” Kurt inquired.

“We plan on leaving tonight. The sooner the better. Every minute counts.” 

We began to leave the meeting and I panicked as I watched Peter disappear. I thought I’d have at least a day to plan my apology. Now I had a few hours at most. 

“I would advise you just suck it up and do it now.” Jean whispered in my ear as she walked past. She was right, as always. I’d have to remember to do something major for her as a thank you for putting up with me. I took a deep breath as I climbed the stairs to Peter’s room. 

The door seemed to loom over me forebodingly. What if I was wrong? What if it was already too late and he’d given up on me? What if he wouldn’t forgive me? My limbs shook as I forced myself to knock on the wood softly. I heard his muffled voice telling me to come in as if it was miles away. Taking another deep breath, I turned the knob and stepped inside. 

His clothes were strewn about as always, a half packed bag laying on the bed. He froze when he saw me awkwardly standing in front of the door.

“So you’re really going, huh?” Why would I say that?! Of course he’s going! This was a mistake. Abort! Abort mission!

“Yeah, it’s my fault we lost the thing last time, so I kinda need to make up for that.” 

“How was it your fault?”

“I opened my big mouth as always,” he grumbled. “This was actually what we were going after when- when the accident….”

I nodded, understanding what he meant. Well now we’re here. No going back now.

“Peter-”

“Y/n-”

We chuckled slightly at the awkwardness. It used to be so easy to talk to each other.

“You first,” I said in an attempt to stall for more time.

“No,” he sat down beside the bag, “you obviously came here because you wanted to talk about something. Go ahead.”

I wrung my hands. “Do you mind if I sit?” He pushed the bag aside, clearing a space for me which I took as permission. I sat down and wracked my brain for the right words. For weeks I had been trying to come up with the right apology, but now it was as if I was back at square one. There wouldn’t be any best way. I just had to say it already. “I’m sorry for how I treated you.” He remained uncharacteristically silent so I continued. “I let my anger get the better of me and I shouldn’t have taken that out on you. It was wrong of me to walk out on you like that when you were only doing what you thought best. Please forgive me for being so cruel and stupid.”

He nodded before zipping over to the window. We were back in the space of our argument. “I don’t- can’t talk about my emotions all that easily. Last time it was- it was just a lot and I let myself get carried away. You’re not stupid though, never say that. You were always the smarter of the two of us and I get it. I’d probably be angry too. I don’t blame you for leaving,” he said carefully, almost sounding as if it was half directed at himself.

“I shouldn’t have left, though. I should have listened to you. I need to get better at that.” My shoulders slumped. 

“I shouldn’t have gotten so emotional about it. If I had just kept it together, maybe I could’ve explained better,” he mumbled.

“No!” I snapped, causing him to jump slightly. “Stop talking like it’s some terrible thing that you got upset. You’re allowed to feel things!”

He ran over to his dresser, turning his back on me. “I need to finish packing….”

“I’m not leaving until we settle this.” I stood and crossed my arms. “I screwed up and I’m not going to let you go off on a mission knowing I lost my best friend.” He remained silent, throwing things in his bag. “So you’re just going to ignore me now?” Still nothing. “Fine, then I’m just going to sit here until you say something.” I flopped down on his bed, watching as he continued. 

Why was he being like this? I apologized, what more did he want from me? Was he really that pissed at me? We remained in silence as he wouldn’t even look at me. The longer I stayed, the less time we might have together. Eventually something had to give. The sound of him zipping up his bag jolted me from my thoughts. He reached to sling it over his shoulder as I lunged to grab it. I pulled it to my chest desperately. 

“What are you doing?” He huffed. “Give me my bag.”

I shook my head frantically. “No, I’m not letting you go.”

“Don’t do this….”

“Don’t do what? Pete, you’re the one being stubborn!”

His jaw clenched. “Don’t call me that.”

“Why not? You’re my best friend, whether I remember you from before or not. I apologized to you, so what else do you want from me?!”

“There’s nothing I want from you. Now give me my bag!”

“No!”

He lunged at me with a growl, causing me to yelp as I was forced backward and the bag was ripped from my grip. “You want to know why I’m angry?! I’m angry because I fucked up and you got hurt! Now you come in here acting like you’ve been some awful person apologizing for having a reasonable reaction to how we treated you because of Charles’ dumb fucking orders when it should be me begging you for forgiveness for putting you in such a shitty situation in the first place! You want to know why I’m so goddamn angry right now, y/n?! Because I love you and there’s no way for me to fix my stupid fucking mistake except getting this goddamn weapon and maybe make it up a little bit in some way and now you make it so hard to leave!” 

I stared at him wide eyed and in shock as he swept out of the room, a breeze following him as the door slammed shut. It all came crashing down around me: Peter’s guilt, the confession of his love, my own realization of my own feelings, and the reality that he might not return from his mission. Tears pooled in my eyes. He might die and I still hadn’t made things okay between us. He was angry and he didn’t exactly have a reputation for thinking clearly when he was emotional. This could be the last time I ever spoke to him. How could I have let things end up like this? 

My skin felt warm to the touch and my face burned as a sob welled up in my throat. I turned to my side, curling up as my body shook. Sometime later, when my eyes were sore and my lungs ached, exhaustion set in and I drifted to sleep.

~

I was trudging through the snow, my discomfort and the throbbing pain in my ankle distracting me from the beauty of the scene around me. It was too cold. I needed to find shelter soon. No, not I, we. Peter was here this time. 

“We have to keep moving!” He shouted above the wind and wrapped an arm around my waist. “Just think of it like the time I got us stuck in the school freezer!”

“I still can’t believe you forgot they have a backup lock!”

“Well we got out of it eventually, right?” He laughed. 

“Yeah, in the morning! When the cooks opened it to get food for breakfast! I still can’t forget the ache in my arm from scrubbing all those pots….”

“C’mon, it wasn’t so bad! You got to spend the night locked in an enclosed room with me! You know, there are many people, male and female, who’d give their first born to be in that situation.”

The look I gave him sent him pushing forward ahead of me. I followed in his tracks with my arms folded tightly against my chest. Soon, I found my legs quivering from the cold. 

My legs quivered with exhaustion and adrenaline. Every hall was the same. The doors seemed endless. I twisted and turned in an attempt to get my bearings. I was surrounded by identical hallways. Where did I even come from? A scream echoed down the hallway, causing me to sprint on unstable feet toward it. I burst in the door as a girl was slumped forward in a chair. Her hair hung over her face, sticking in clumps. 

“Why did you do it?” I heard a whisper echo around the room. “You’ve ruined us.”

I stepped back. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I bitter snort echoed. “You really don’t even recognize us, now?” Her head fell back to reveal a face with no eyes. Dark rings surrounded under where eyes should be. A strangled scream threatened to rip out of my throat. The sound of chains dragging along the concrete resounded off the walls. I looked down to see the the shackles binding her hands and feet to the chair. “Recognize us now? You caused this.”

“No, no, I-”

“You bind us here. You trapped us. You betrayed us!” Her veins appeared to grow darker and bulge as her hands fisted. “You have the key! Let us go! Why are you afraid of us?!”

“I-I’m not!” I stuttered, shaking my head, eyes blown wide with fear.

She choked out a dry laugh. It came out almost as if she was either very sick or her lungs were full of sand. “If you’re so brave then let us go!” I shook my head frantically. “Let us go! Let us go!” She chanted. Her chains rattled louder and louder in turn with her voice. “LET US GO! LET US GO!”

I stumbled backward, slamming the door shut behind me as I halted in my tracks at the new scene before me. “Why did you do it?” Peter asked quietly. Tears stained his cheeks beneath his swollen eye and the dried blood. My eyes were drawn to the dripping pool of blood beneath his chair. 

“What-what happened?” I croaked, slowly reaching out to him but not knowing what to do.

“You, you happened. Where were you? This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t gotten angry with me.” 

“P-Pete, I-I’m sorry….”

“You abandoned me. Why did you abandon me?” A second voice whispered from a dark corner. I lifted my eyes from Peter in front of me to Peter lying slumped against the wall on the ground. I rushed over to his side, my legs collapsing beneath me. He choked, a dribble of blood slipping past his lips as he tried to press on the various wounds in his torso. Gunshot wounds. 

“I didn’t mean to… Peter please….”

“This is your fault,” he coughed. “If you hadn’t gotten angry at me before, I wouldn’t have had to leave on this mission.” His hand grasped at my shoulder. “How could you do this to me?”

Tears poured down my cheeks as I tried to link his fingers with shaking hands. “I-I didn’t mean- I’m sorry! Please, please forgive me!”

He opened his mouth to respond before his body seized a moment, falling limp in my grasp. I sobbed, pulling him to my chest and rocking his body back and forth.

“Please, please, please,” I whispered the words like a prayer. “Please come back to me. You still need to teach me your secret trick to beating Pac-Man, and you never got to try making a deep fried Twinkie, and-and what about that prank to end all pranks you told me about that you were going to pull on the entire team? I never got to help you with that. And I never got to tell you I love you.” I sucked in a shaky breath, shutting my eyes tightly. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen! Please come back and tell me how to fix this!”

I heard the concrete crack and crumble around me. The ground gave way beneath me, but I didn’t fall. My body was seemingly suspended. I opened my eyes to find myself in my arms. “Now you see?”

I nodded. “Please, help me,” I begged. Staring into my own eyes, I felt myself finally fall. I sunk in the dark, old water. Maybe I deserve this. To fall, endlessly, until finally I drowned or hit the bottom, far from anyone else I could hurt. I stared up at the light shimmering on the surface of the water. I wasn’t that far down. I could still pull myself up, but the pressure on my lungs said otherwise. I didn’t have the fight anymore. Let Peter go and be safe and happy away from me. I brought him nothing but pain. The light was suddenly shadowed by a mass above me. A ring of darkness around my vision was quickly closing in. The mass shifted, the light reflecting off silver, creating an almost blinding light. I felt myself be dragged upward. The rocky ground replaced the water beneath me. Soon, I was lifted from the ground and found myself huddling into the person’s warmth. Enveloped in a crisp, sweet scent, I knew it was all going to be okay.

~ 

I woke to soft sunlight pouring across me. Pulling the blanket closer to me, I sighed deeply. The crisp, sweet scent covering them was soothing. It was the same smell from my dream. I sat up, the pieces clicking into place. It was Peter who saved me from drowning. They always say that scent is the strongest sense linking to memory. 

I stood up, peering out the window at the sunlight sparkling off the snow outside. It was funny, I expected the whole revelation to groundbreaking, world shattering. Instead, it was a silent acknowledgement and acceptance of what happened. I remembered the screech of the jet hurtling toward the ground. The fear of finding Peter injured. The warmth and comfort of our derelict cabin in the woods. The worry when he disappeared. The pain and anger of being tortured. The desperation to get Peter to safety, regardless of what happened to myself. The peace of accepting my death, knowing I had done everything in my power to save him. 

The door swung open, startling me from my memories. Memories. I’d waited forever to not have a bitter taste in my mouth from that word.

“There you are!” Jean barked. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you! Scott was saying you probably stowed away on the jet, but I didn’t think so. What are you doing in here?”

“I remember,” I replied. 

She froze. “What do you mean…?”

“Exactly what I said. I remember everything.”

She looked at me in shock and confusion, as if I had just admitted to some horrific act. “I think you should come eat something with the rest of us. Then you can explain.”

I followed her down the steps, ignoring her tentative glances. We stepped into our lounge. I took in the normal scene of everyone lazing about, sprawled on the couches. Jubilee’s head bobbed slightly to the music in her headphones. Kurt’s nose was buried in a book, a warm cup of tea held aloft by his tail. Scott dozed on one of the couches, not leaving an inch of space for anyone else. My lips twitched up. It all was so… normal, yet it all seemed so different at the same time. 

“So you’re okay,” Ororo greeted. The others lifted their heads quickly and turned in our direction. Jean nudged me forward to take a seat. 

“Yeah, a lot’s happened.” I blinked, trying to gather myself. My brain still felt a little fuzzy. My hands and feet tingled as if the circulation was being cut off from them. I tried to rub the sensation away.

“I guess I owe you five bucks, then, don’t I?” Scott questioned. A glance from Jean quieted him. 

“Go ahead, y/n,” she said.

“I remember the accident.”

“Vhat?! How?! Vhen?!” Kurt exclaimed. “Do you know vhat made you remember?”

Jubilee placed a hand on his shoulder. “Kurt, let her speak.”

I chuckled. “It’s alright. It happened last night, or this morning. I’m not really sure, exactly. I had a dream about it, in a way. I had a memory of walking through the snow with Peter then it kind of warped and became something… different. It was the right setting, but it was all jumbled. I met myself, but I- she- it wasn’t me. It had- it had no eyes.”

“That’s nasty,” Scott grimaced, his nose wrinkling.

“It kept saying I had trapped it. It was my fault it was chained up.” I shook my head in confusion. “It started screaming at me to let it go. I don’t understand why, but it seemed convinced that only I could free it. Why would I? It- it was a monster….” The tingling intensified.

“Vhat happened next?” Kurt urged.

“I ran out of there! It was terrifying! Then I found Peter like I had before and he was injured.” I didn’t want to reveal everything about that moment. Some of it was personal and meant only for him and I to work out. “I watched him die.”

The room was quiet, the air still and hanging heavily between us. All of us had fears of losing one of the team. It was a constant threat any time we went on a mission. Hell, sometimes it was a threat just going into town. 

“Then, I was drowning, like before, and Peter saved me,” I finished. 

“It sounds about accurate to me,” Jubilee piped in an attempt to break the tension.

“Yeah, it sounds similar to what Peter reported after we found you guys,” Scott shrugged. 

“What about your mutation?” Jean asked. “Do you feel any different? Is it… back?”

I shook my head. “I’m not sure I want to try, honestly. It was never something I could force before. It just happened. It was me trying to force it that made me lose it in the first place.”

A strange look crossed her face before she shrugged. “It’s your mutation. It’s up to you how you use it.” She stood and waved Scott up. “C’mon, we need to go on our rounds.”

“Why? Nothing ever happens around here. I doubt if we skip one time-”

“You’re going. Charles entrusted us to protect the school and we’re going to do what he asked.”

He huffed before grudgingly following her out of the room. 

“Here, I found this great new song. Listen to it, you’ll like it.” Jubilee offered me with a smile.

“And I’ve been reading this very interesting book,” Kurt added. “You’d probably like it.”

“Thanks, guys. I’m sure I will,” I smiled. Things would go back to normal eventually. Everything would work out fine.

~

The pair crept through the tree line, all their senses intently focused on their surroundings. 

“Wait,” Hank said suddenly as he held out a hand to stop Peter in his tracks. 

“What is it?”

“Do you hear that?”

“We need to move quickly,” Charles’ voice spoke in their minds. “If we lose it, they may detonate the weapon before we can find it again.”

“I’m sure it’s locked away in that warehouse.” They ducked behind a couple of trees as a search light grazed over their location. “There’s just so many people roaming around, I don’t know how we’ll get in.” 

“Simple, I’ll just run in and create a diversion. Then you can just hulk out and smash your way in.” 

“Yeah, and before that you’ll trip some alarm system and the entire place will be overrun with guards. Besides, I’m not like that guy.”

“You have to admit, you’re pretty similar. I mean-”

“Back on track, Peter,” Charles chided.

“Sorry.”

“Wait, look over there.” Hank pointed toward one end of the compound. A couple of guards were off to one side, away from the others and out of direct light. They faced the trees while they shared a cigarette. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Knock them out and steal their uniforms? Yeah, sure. Wouldn’t be the first time. Be back in a sec’”

“Peter-”

“What?” He huffed.

Hank gave him a stern look. “Don’t be reckless.”

“Pff, when am I ever reckless?” In a flash he disappeared. 

“He’s going to ruin this entire thing again, isn’t he?” Hank grumbled.

“Give him a chance, Hank. He’ll come through when he needs to.”

Beneath the cover of darkness, no one realized as two guards found their feet knocked out from under them. They hit the ground hard and before they could recognize what had happened, were out cold. Peter lifted them easily, dropping them carelessly at Hank’s feet. “What?” He asked in response to an exasperated look from the man. 

He didn’t respond, simply shaking his head and proceeding to strip the guards of their uniforms, weapons, and I.D.s. He handed Peter one of the pistols.

Peter raised his hands in defense. “No way, man, I don’t use guns.”

“You don’t need to use it, but it’ll look suspicious for a guard to be seen without it. Now take the damn thing.” He thrust it into his grasp before continuing his efforts to disguise them. Soon they slipped down the hill and tried to blend in. 

“The object you’re looking for will likely be floors below you. It would be in your best interest to look for a lift of some kind,” Charles said.

“Was that patronizing? It sounded patronizing,” Peter rambled. “All due respect, bro, but if they’re moving the thing, wouldn’t they move it to somewhere it can easily be loaded and transported. I mean, it’s supposed to be pretty big, right?”

“He has a point, Charles.”

“Yes, I suppose he is. Alright then, keep your eyes and ears open,” he assented.

“Can’t you just mind read everyone and find out where it is?” Peter asked. “Seems like it’d be a lot easier.”

“There’s some sort of barrier surrounding the base. I can’t get to anyone inside.”

“So we’re on our own once we get inside?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“Well that complicates things a little bit.”

Before their conversation could go any further, they were interrupted by a severe looking guard approaching them. “You two! Did you not get the memo? Get your asses inside and to your positions.”

Hank nodded, standing straight. “Yes sir, right away.”

“Well, you see, we’re kinda new. So could you maybe direct us-” Peter stepped forward. 

The man’s eyes glazed over as his body became more rigid. “Yes, of course, right this way.” He turned and began to walk inside. Charles’ doing more than likely.

Hank and Peter exchanged glances, quickly diverting their course toward the droves of men loading up trucks. They followed a few others into the loading bay. 

“We should probably split up,” Hank muttered. “We can cover more ground that way and be less of a target.”

Peter gave him a mock salute. “Aye, aye captain,” he grinned before splitting off. 

“You there!” Another guard shouted at him. “What are you doing standing around? Get over here!”

Peter groaned inwardly. This was probably going to be tougher than he originally thought.

~

“That should be the last of them in bed,” Jean sighed tiredly. “At least for now.”

I patted her arm. “You took the first shift last night. How about I take over for you tonight. You look exhausted.”

She nodded, lips stretching into a tight smile. “Thanks. Don’t be afraid to wake me if something happens.”

“Well I certainly won’t be waking Scott,” I laughed. “Go get some sleep.” I watched as she left down the darkened hall to her own room for some well deserved rest. I didn’t mind wandering the halls alone at night. It was different from when I’d done it before. This time it was almost like meditation rather than a struggle against myself. The mansion was ominously peaceful at night. The moonlight streamed in the windows, casting shadows on the cool floors. The walls creaked, whether from age or the footsteps of restless students, I wasn’t quite sure. 

Charles and his retrieval team had been gone for four days now and we’d heard no word from them. Each of us tried to express words of confidence and reassurance, but our worry was etched across our faces. It wouldn’t have been difficult for Charles to send us some kind of telepathic message, even a single word, to let us know they were at least alive. 

I dragged my fingertips lightly along the wall as I walked. It felt like a lifetime ago that Peter and I had raced down this hallway. His laughter and cheering filled the space as Scott chased after us shouting indignantly because of his now bleach blonde hair. 

“You said you wondered what you’d look like!” Peter had crowed.

“We’ll see who’s laughing when your hair gets dyed bright pink, Maximoff!” Scott raged.

“Been there! I look quite good in pink, I think!”

Hopefully there’d be more memories like that in the future. 

The sound of glass shattering resounded down the halls from the other side of the mansion. It was probably just a dream-induced accident, but my adrenaline surged anyway. I sprinted back the way I came, praying Charles was wrong and my fears were mistaken. 

Kurt poofed beside me, falling into step as well. “I vas up late reading, I heard it to. You don’t think-”

“It’s always better to be on the safe side of things,” I gasped, echoing the professor’s words. 

A scream pierced the air as a shot rang out. My fears were confirmed. Students began to stumble into the hallways, wiping sleep from their eyes. 

“What’s going on?” Jubilee asked frantically. She was such a close friend of ours, I forgot she wasn’t on the team. 

“We’re under attack,” I explained quickly. “Jubilee I need you to take a deep breath, then help Kurt get everyone out of here. He knows where to go. Just stay with him and everything will be fine.”

I pushed on, not checking to see what they did next. I slipped around a corner and thundered down a back stairwell. A man in tactical armor stood not twenty feet away from me. Before he could raise his gun, I grabbed a vase and chucked it at his head. The impact wasn’t enough to knock him out with his helmet, but it was enough to stun him a moment as I surged forward. I body slammed him, pushing him backward into a bench that caused him to fall to the floor. I ripped his gun from him as he dropped, firing a bullet into his knee to immobilize him. 

I ran forward, a bright red light causing me to drop to the ground to avoid the heat above me.

“I’m sorry!” Scott gasped. “I thought you were one of them.”

“No harm, no foul. Where are the others?”

“Last I checked, they were ushering people out of here. Any idea how many guys are in here?”

I shook my head. “No idea, but we shouldn’t stick around to find out. We need to make sure everyone’s out of here though.”

“No, they’re all gone. I’m sure of it. We need to leave, now.”

We raced toward the nearest exit. Scott pressed a panel on the wall, revealing a hidden crawl space. He ducked inside. I checked to see that no one else was coming toward us before following. After minutes of hurrying through the dusty, cobwebby tunnel, the crisp night air filled my lungs. 

“Scott!” Jean exclaimed as she leaped for him once we rejoined the rest. “Thank god you’re both okay.”

“Vhy are zhese people attacking us? Vhat are they looking for?” 

Ororo folded her arms. “Nothing. Not one student was harmed by any of them. I’m not even sure there were more than ten men. They meant only to scare us.”

“What reason would they have for scaring us? They already have the weapon, isn’t that enough?” Scott questioned.

“Unless they don’t have it,” Jean said. “Even if they do have it, there’s one thing we do know-”

“We pissed them off,” I finished.

An hour later we herded the students back to bed, directing them away from broken glass and other signs of the break in. Once things had settled back down for the night, I returned to where I’d shot one of the men. He was gone, a small pool of blood puddled on the floor, but no other sign of his being there could be found. I cleaned it up along with the broken vase. 

We spent the rest of the night cleaning up the disturbance in the mansion. The effects of adrenaline still coursing through our veins. 

I finally collapsed in my bed as tendrils of silver began to lighten the sky. My body was tired, but sleep continued to elude me. They would be returning soon, I knew it for a fact by virtue of my name as part of the X-Men.

~

We stood silently as the trio made their way off the ramp of the jet. There was no weapon that we could see.

“Did-”

“Yes, we’ve got it. Although it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t what we expected,” Charles said. He turned to reveal Hank supporting Peter as they walked, more stumbled in Peter’s case, over to us. He was shirtless, revealing a large bandage across his chest that had stained crimson. A wound on his leg had also been tightly wrapped. 

“We did it,” he sang with a pained smile.

Hank held up a small cylinder. “Apparently this is it. I need to run some diagnostics on it before I can say for sure what it might do. Someone needs to take him to the med room.”

“I’ll do it,” I offered immediately.

“No,” Charles shook his head and gestured to Kurt and Jean, “you two take care of it. Y/n I need to speak with you privately.” I opened my mouth to object, but Kurt had already teleported them away before I could say anything. “Follow me.”

He lead us away to the elevator up. A short, yet terribly awkward and uncomfortable ride later as well as a short walk through the crowded halls as students made their way to class, we arrived at his office. I shut the doors gently behind us. Last time I had been here alone with him, it hadn’t ended well. I had to do better this time.

“Take a seat,” he instructed, which I willingly followed. “So the wall is gone.” He gave me a pointed look. He probably sensed it as soon as he arrived. I nodded. “I must apologize for underestimating you, then. You must understand I was only doing what I thought was the best way to help you.”

I nodded again. “Yes, I understand. I’m sorry for how I reacted. I guess it just took a strong enough emotional breakdown.”

“I’d ask what it was that caused such an impact, but something tells me that is a personal matter between you and Mr. Maximoff.” 

I felt my face heat up. “Thank you.”

“Ah, to be young again. He was quite upset when we left, you should know.”

“Yes, that was my fault again, I’m sorry.”

“Apologies aren’t necessary. I wish all the best for you two and I’m glad you’re back in action.” A tense expression crossed his face. “It’s for that matter that I must ask a favor of you.”

“What is that?” I asked.

“Seeing as we’re still uncertain of the exact function of the weapon and there’s no telling how long it will take for Hank to figure it out, I must ask you if it’s truly safe to keep it here.” 

I blinked in confusion. “I don’t understand. How would I know?”

“If your mutation has returned, is there any way-”

“I’m sorry, professor, but I can’t. Forcing it was what caused this to happen in the first place. I can’t-” I stood quickly, wringing my hands.

“I understand your fear, but it is for the safety of the everyone,” he insisted.

I shook my head. “I’m sorry….” I whispered before leaving his office without another word. 

Everyone was so happy for me to have recovered, yet they were so willing to put me back in that place. They didn’t understand that feeling of helplessness. How could they so easily do that to me again? Was I being selfish? By not trying, I was putting hundreds of innocent lives at stake for the sake of my own identity as a mutant. No, anyone would do the same. Besides, I had faith in Hank’s abilities. He wouldn’t rest until he fully understood the thing.

I looked up to find my feet had carried me to the med room. Peter was here, and he was safe albeit injured, but he always managed to injure himself. I pushed the door open on their laughter. Kurt’s tail waved happily as Jean carried a tray of medical equipment away. 

“Hey, guys, what did I miss?” 

“Peter vas telling us vhat had happened that took them so long to get back,” Kurt explained.

“We got held hostage for a bit, got shot a little bit more,” he shrugged, “but you got your powers back! That’s great!”

“I didn’t explain it entirely. I thought you’d like to do it later,” I heard Jean’s voice say in my head.

“Thank you,” I thought back to her. “Yeah, guess you were right about just having to wait. You’re not still mad at me?”

“Nah, I can’t really be mad when that mess is finally over with. Sorry for blowing up at you like that,” Peter said. I noticed he was avoiding what he’d said before he left, barely noticing as Kurt and Jean crept out of the room behind us. “So what did Charles want with you?”

“He wants to use my power to tell if it’s safe to keep the weapon here while we don’t know what it’s capable of,” I sighed.

“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming up.”

“But I’m not sure if I can do that. I know it’s not fair to everyone here, but I just can’t put myself through that again. What if this time I do lose my mutation entirely? What if I somehow lock myself behind the wall?” My breath started to quicken at the thought.

“Like some kind of zombie?” Peter joked.

I glared at him. “You’re not helping.”

“I’m just saying,” he held his hands up in defense. “What was it like, anyway? When you were in control.”

“It was-” I paused, remembering the fear and desperation that had lead me to such a moment. “It was painful. It was like my entire body was going to burst into flames and my skin was going to melt off. At first, at least. Then it was cold, and peaceful, and I’d never felt anything like it. Being totally in control let me see everything, to the end of time.”

“I think you’re holding yourself back.”

“What?” I turned on him. “You have no idea what that was like. To see the death of everything, even the world itself. It’s terrifying!” I was verging on panic.

Peter waved me over to stand in front of him, moving me to rest my head on his shoulder as he always did to comfort me. “I’m sure it wasn’t all bad. You also probably saw a lot of good. There are a lot of endings, but that also means there are a lot of beginnings.”

“When did you get so wise?” I teased.

“Hey, enough near death experiences will do that to a guy. I’m serious though, I think you’re letting your fear blind you. It’s not bad, we’ve all done it, but you’re only looking at all the bad stuff that could happen. Just think, if you could see something bad before it happens, you could stop a lot of pain for people. You’d be able to get them to safety before danger even happened. You’d actually see a lot of that bad stuff turning into good stuff. I think you’re just scared to see it all so you’re locking it away as if you can’t control it.”

I remembered the creature in shackles. Maybe that’s what it meant saying I’d locked it away. “Okay,” I whispered. “I’ll do it.”

“You-”

Peter was interrupted by the voice of Charles. “Everyone to my office. Now.”

We exchanged fearful glances. “I guess Hank did it. I’m going to need some help getting there, if you don’t mind,” Peter said.

“Of course,” I slung his arm around my shoulder, holding it in place. He leaned his weight on me as I supported him on our way back to the professor’s office. Everyone stood around the room with equally fearful expressions. 

“Good, you’re here,” Charles said urgently. “Peter I know you’re injured, but you’re our only hope and we don’t have much time.” 

I felt his body tense beside me, his arm tightening around me. His expression had become stern. “What happened? What do I need to do?”

“I had to crack open the weapon to figure out what was inside it,” Hank explained. “Inside was a vial containing a highly concentrated form of polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbon, or PAH for short. It targets the DNA, in this case the X-gene specifically, by bonding with the molecules. It’s stuff that’s found in exhaust fumes, cigarette smoke, stuff like that, but I’ve never seen it like this. Normally it might cause minor mutations, tumors, cancer, but if this is released, it will shut down our mutations completely. It will destroy the DNA. Furthermore, it’s such a high concentration it will likely diffuse into the air, possibly affecting us all over the world.”

“If you removed the vial, can’t you just hold it in stasis? It can’t detonate then, can it?” I asked.

Charles shook his head. “It’s too dangerous to keep here. If, somehow, stasis failed, the building would become infected in minutes. Even if we evacuated everyone before then and quarantined the building, it could still escape. Simply having it here makes us a target for any anti-mutant organization. They meant for us to bring it here. We need to get rid of it. Destroy it if possible.”

“Not only that, but the chamber it came in was double insulated. The carrying container, the detonator itself, is lined with the stuff inside in a pressurized seal. If we tried to crack it open, it would explode. At the very least, release the compounds.” 

We all stared at the object in question lying on the desk in front of us. Suddenly, the LCD screen lit up, numbers scrambled for a moment before stopping with a beep. 

“What’s that….?” Scott, always the voice of everyone’s thoughts. 

It beeped again before counting down from twenty minutes.

“So what do I need to do?” Peter asked hurriedly.

“Get it away from here,” Charles replied, just as urgent. “Take it somewhere remote with a pond or lake of some kind that won’t come into contact with humans or mutants. It will contaminate the water, but it likely won’t spread far from there. There’s no need to worry about the contamination as it only affects the X-gene. Good luck.”

At that moment Peter disappeared from beside me. Everyone’s faces were solemn. Charles slammed a fist on the armrest of his chair. 

“There was nothing you could have done, Charles,” Hank murmured. 

“I shouldn’t have brought the damn thing here!” He shouted. “I should have known, don’t bring a bloody dangerous weapon into a school when you don’t know what it’s capable of.” 

“He knew what he was doing and what might happen,” Jean said quietly. “He sacrificed himself to save all of us.” 

A form reappeared beside me. Peter nodded, gingerly picking up the explosive, and slipped out of the room. I scrambled to follow him before the door could close behind both of us.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m coming with you.”

“What? No, out of the question. You’ll only get hurt.”

“So what? So will you!”

“That-” he paused, understanding my meaning, “-Then you’ll just end up getting hurt too and that’s pointless. No, stay here.” He took another step to leave but I followed. 

“I’m not letting you leave again, knowing that you won’t return this time,” I declared firmly.

“Well I can’t let you come with knowing you’ll die too!” He retorted. “I’m not just doing this to protect everyone, I’m doing it to protect you. Maybe I deserve this for not being able to save you before.”

“Don’t you dare say that! You did what you could given the situation and no one is blaming you except yourself. Now we don’t have much time to keep doing this song and dance. I’m coming with you and that’s it. We started this thing together, we’re going to end it together.”

He groaned, stomping closer. “Why do you have to be so stubborn?” He asked as he rested his forehead against mine. I felt his breath fan across my face. 

“It’s like you said, I love you,” I smiled cheekily.

He grinned, pressing a kiss to my lips. His hands were warm against my cheeks and it was difficult because we were smiling so much. It was perfect. The weapon beeped, signalling the ticking clock. 

Peter broke away, panting for breath. “I can’t believe I’m doing this, but take it-” he handed the object to me, “-and hold on tight.” 

My feet left the ground as he swept me into his arms. Memories of our trip to the mall flashed in my mind. This was better. I scrunched my eyes shut, not opening them until I felt my feet on solid ground again.

The air was cold, the wind buffeting me. The black water of the lake rippled, almost appearing sludge-like as the sun was hidden by grey clouds. I shivered imagining how icy cold it must be. A weight landed on my shoulders, which I instinctively pulled closer as I inhaled the sweet, crisp scent around me. 

“Aren’t you going to be cold?” I questioned, looking over at Peter in just a Queen tee shirt. 

“It’s more for fashion than function. Some doctors found I have a pretty constant heart rate of 190. Let’s just say they were shocked and confused. I don’t really get cold,” he bragged. “Anyway, I’ll be right back. Wish me luck!” I sucked in a breath as he dove into the frigid water. Everything was still. The wind was a faint whistle above me. Silence is a frightening thing when the life of someone you love is at stake. I couldn’t stay still, shifting the rocks at my feet. The water was too dark to see anything. 

A couple minutes passed until a loud splash cut through the silence. Peter coughed, heaving water onto the rocks as he dragged himself onto shore. I rushed over to him, trying to help get him out. Seconds later a bang resounded off the mountains. Water shot into the air toward the center of the lake. 

“Looks like it’s you saving me from drowning this time,” he rasped. “We should probably name this Drowning Lake or something, nah that’s stupid, what about-”

I cut him off with a kiss. “You’re an idiot. A beautiful, stupid idiot. We need to get you somewhere dry and warm before you freeze.”

“It’s a good thing I gave you my jacket, though.”

“What? Peter we need to go.”

“I mean, not only are you fucking hot in it, but I probably would have gotten stuck down there. There was this tree that fell in that almost stuck to my shirt, but I know it definitely would have caught on my jacket. I can get another shirt like this but I’ve had that jacket for years, it’s one of a kind by now, vintage, I can’t replace that. Besides, you saw it! If I’d been down there any longer, I’d probably die.”

“Yeah, you would have,” I agreed before pulling him to his feet. I bit back a snicker as his silver hair was plastered to his face, droplets of water running down. I pulled him into another kiss, screaming internally my joy that he was alive. 

“You’re warm,” he mumbled against my lips as he pulled me closer. 

“I don’t feel like it,” I replied. “C’mon, let’s go home.”

“I don’t know,” Peter sang, peppering my face with kisses. “I think we should stay here for a little longer.”

I squirmed in his arms, trying to break free of his grip. “No, Pete, you’re going to freeze! We need to go!” I shrieked with laughter.

“Fine… but only because it is kinda cold out here….” He grumbled as he swept me up into his arms again. 

 


End file.
